Uh oh..

Ju Ju Between has a new pattern(s) out (I guess they are the new fall "colours", I've not looked in a while at the site) - Julia's Ribbons (my favourite!).

and Eclipse and Drip Drops my other favourites!



I have my Petunia, which I love, but the Be Prepared has spoiled me with all it's pockets and compartments! I also like how easy it is to just wipe off my Be Prepared with a Damp cloth. The only thing I do not like about it, is once I fill it for an afternoon at the lake or a day trip of any kind the thing gets freak'n heavy! With my PBB I'm always worried I'm going to snag it get it dirty.

The only problem with my Be Prepared is that it's soooo big! I thought I'd need it with 2 kids, but now all Natasha usually needs when we go out is a Sippy/snack and then a Dipe and wipes, which all fit in my purse. If it's just a quick trip all I toss in my purse is a sippy and snack, so the Be Prepared will only be needed for day trips or visits to the lake with them, not full time use.

I've used it a lot since I bought it so it's not gone to waste - it's perfect for the day at the Lake, it was my carry on for our trip to Amsterdam/France, and I've used it for her overnight bag on a couple of other trips since then. It will definitely be used at the lake next summer, for overnight/day trips and camping, I forgot I used it for camping last summer as well. So I do not regret the choice to buy it, but now that I'm in a frame of mind to TTC again, and with the spread between the kidlets, this bag will just be too big for one child. :p

I'll have to keep an eye out at the local stores for the patterns. Maybe they'll have a new spring pattern that I will fall in love with. The more I look at Julia's Ribbons it seems a bit 'busy'.

Finally!

God help me, my period finally showed up this morning. It's still light, but I suspect it will increase as the day goes on. According to TCOYF it's forecasting my day of O on January 7th if I ovulate on CD 20, as per normal. Now it's more of a waiting game. Wait for my period to end, wait to Ovulate, then wait 10 days to test.

What? You want to wear your boots?

Since the cold weather hit N has thrown many a tantrum when it comes to putting on her snow pants and boots. She HATES them and as a result I'd rather not listen to her screech then let her outside to play. Yesterday though I needed to run some errands and it was cold, which meant boots. Surprisingly when I grabbed her boots she just pointed and said "Boots! Boots!" and easily let me put them on as well as her mitts w/o a fuss. /shock

Today, since it is suppose to be one of the warmest days I thought I'd shovel the walkway and backyard and let N play. Since the boots were such a success yesterday I thought she might put them on without a fuss again as well as her snow pants. Luckily, something was in the air and she gladly put on her boots, snow pants and mitts without complain. Lucky mostly for my poor ears.

She's wearing her size 3 snow pants that I bought for next yr, which are wayyyy too big (thankfully they bunch up so she was not walking on them) but her pants from last yr (18-24) are too small, even though her coat still fits. My sister bought her a snowsuit for this yr but it got lost in storage when she had to pack up the house while hers is being built. She just found it this past week so we should have it soon.

My Follow up Appointment.

I've been looking forward to this appointment and dreading it the same time. On one hand I wanted to see the doctor, receive the go ahead to TTC again when we were read and be re-assured by a "Professional" that there was nothing I could have done to change things. Whether that would have been being more vocal when I was spotting, going into the ER when I started bleeding instead of waiting or prevented things by not going to France and doing 6+hrs of walking each day and lifting Natasha.

Dr. Igras is amazing. I know I just met her, but she has a great sense of humour, is friendly, listened to all my concerns and was very re-assuring about the whole thing. She is the first doctor I've ever felt so laid back with. She did not mock me when I said I'd "googled" things and nicely corrected some mis-information that I'd read. She said that IC is actually a lot less common then the 25% of all women statistic I read.

When she came in the exam room, she said asked me why I was there to see her. When I said she'd performed a D&C on me on the 30th of October she actually remembered me. She said "Oh you were the poor woman who had to wait so long for a D&C! I'm so sorry, that must have been so hard for you". And while it sounds 'lame' in type, she was so sincere when she said and honestly meant it. I did not get any vibe at all from her that she was saying because she felt she had to. I was also surprised she remembered this, as it's been over a month.

We joked about my stubborn placenta(s) (I told her I also had retained tissue my first pregnancy) before she asked me about my pregnancy & delivery was with Natasha. As I've mentioned before, everything was normal. We then 'eased' into the events leading up to my miscarriage - the brown spotting (which thinking back was also muscus-y so makes me think it could have been my mucus plug), Dr. Paniche booking the u/s to re-assure me/her and then the fateful Tuesday when I started to bleed red, got a strong heartbeat at 7pm, having contractions (which I thought were BH) and then my waters breaking.

She re-assured me by saying that even if I had gone to the ER sooner, she would not have done a clerage on me. At the point I realized something was wrong (7pm-ish) I was already in labour and she would not have done it as under "normal" circumstances it's a risk, but an emergency one poses an even higher risk. Then of course once my waters broke the pregnancy became non-viable. :0( So that lifted some of the guilt I felt about the situation. It does not matter when I would have went in, I would have still miscarried.

She said she does not recommend a woman having a cerclage often or encourage it(which makes me feel good knowing she does not push them or put women at risk having one 'just because'), but after hearing the details of my miscarriage, she would strongly recommend it for me. She said that my waters breaking in T2 is an indicator that it was IC. As I learned later on, I was not having BH that night, it was real contractions, even though they did not hurt at all. I would not have even noticed them but I had my hand on my tummy and felt it harden and soften. My waters breaking is what caused the baby to die and made the pregnancy non-viable. :0(

She told me that if she had been in the hospital that night and I had come in earlier, she would not have done a clerage, even though my water had not broke yet. She said it would have been an 'emergency' clerage and it would have been too risky. So then eased my quilt that waiting "because hey i found a strong heartbeat!" would not have made a diff. if I'd went in sooner baby would not have been saved. I think at midnight I was 2cm and by 2am when they did a quick check I was 5cm? Things were just progressing too quickly. To be able to do it she would have had to try to stop the contractions/labour which she can't say at this point if she could have or not. Plus my waters probably would have still broke, at which point you can't do a clerage.

The best news of all is that she said she would love to have me as a patient. :D She told me to wait for my period before TTC again, but once I was pregnant again, to call her office. Tell them I needed to be seen right away, that she'd make a note in my chart for me to be bumped in as things get busy there, that she wanted me to see me by 8w. I also have to get their office to book me an u/s before she sees me. I imagine just to confirm pregnancy. I asked if she could tell that early if my cervix was stretching and she said no. I think, and I did not ask, but by the time the Dr. can tell that my cervix is stretching it could be too late, most cases I've read women miscarry between 14-23w, so I guess the earliest it starts to stretch is 14 ish weeks and by then it could be too late to get the surgery booked. Based on the details I've provided her with, she is being pro-active about doing a clerage. Scares the heck out of me, but if it saves my baby next time, I'll deal.

I asked about what happens after the stitches are done, bed rest? dr visits? etc and she said we'd take it one step at a time and get me pregnant first. A decision has also been made for us because of my "condition". Owen and I have continued to toss around the idea of 3 kids. We are quite happy to have just 2, but we've always been open to 3. Dr. Igras asked how many children we planned for and I said that we were happy with 2, but have always considered a 3rd, we were going to make a final choice after we had a 2nd. She then told me she would recommend us stopping at 2 if we were happy with 2 and not 'set' on 3 because of my weakened cervix. She did not say it out loud, but I imagine that continued pregnancies would further weaken it and from what I read, could cause it to further weaken to a point that I'd need permanent stitches.

She told me to relax, enjoy the holiday season and in January if we were ready emotionally to TTC again to do so. Overall it was a fantastic appointment and I feel like a weight has been lifted. There was absolutely nothing I could have changed in how I lived my life those 16w or changed by going to ER sooner that would have saved my baby, unfortunately.

13%

I did a little googling last night on miscarriage. I learned that because I've mis-carried once, my chances increase 13% that I'll mis-carry again. I also learned that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, some estimate it's as high as 1 in 3. The numbers seem so small, until it happens to you, and then they suddenly seem huge. When I was researching about Incompetent Cervix, I read that 25% of all women experience IC. And I thought to myself, that seems so small comparatively speaking, I had never heard of it before. Then I started researching it more and there seemed to be so many women that had IC. Many of whom had 2 and 3 miscarriages before the Dr. learned that was the problem. A lot of women like me had no indicators that they would have IC bc they had a successful first pregnancy. I've been told that my first pregnancy is probably what weakened my cervix.

I have my follow up doctor appointment on Tuesday at 11:15. I'm not overly excited about it. I thought I would be. I'd be more excited about it if she could check my cervix and tell me if it's weakened instead of having to get pregnant first to find out if that was indeed the cause. Owen is anxious. He's hoping all is ok and she gives the green light to TTC again. I have not decided how I feel yet. Part of me does want to TTC again right away, the other part of me..not so much. He told me the other night, which I have to say was really sweet, that next time he would take extra extra care of me. :0)

I've been really emotional this week, crying a ton. I was blaming PMS, but no period yet. I also have noticed some 'signs' that I might be Ovulating/Fertile. My luck, it will show up Tuesday morning bc I have the Dr's apt.

First Sentence

Last week Miss N, for the first time since being moved to her twin bed, got out during her naptime. She went to the top of the stairs and started calling "Mama, Mama Mama". I went up and after mildy scolding her (asking why she was not napping!) she said "Read a book!" and handed me one of her little miss books.

I'm excited that she's said her first 'sentence'. I can't wait for her to be able to fully communicate with me.

Some Videos

For her birthday (I guess I should blog about that eh?) she received a jewelry box from my mom. She loves all types of music and loves dancing, so it was no surprise that she loves this;



Then, a few days later when we were at the mall, mom bought her this bunny (I had told her that Natasha is not into stuffies but she thought it was cute). Natasha has proven me wrong, she loves this bunny. I have to admit it is super cute! He is designed in a way that you can play Peek-a-boo with him. As soon as my mom gave it to her she lifted his paws from his eyes and said BOO!. heh She's been totting it around for a couple of days now and just a few mins. ago I had to go up to her room and give it to her. She had him with her for her nap and he fell on the floor. She was freaking out and I had no idea why until she pointed to the bunny. heh

I'm sorry..

but if I have to see/hear/read about one more pg announcement I think I'm going to lose my mind. Add to it the pregnancy updates, the belly posts and then the end of pregnancy whines and I've just had enough. That said I'll be taking a little break from a certain message board. I can avoid reading the posts but even seeing the thread title is just too hard for me right now. It's hard to think that this past Friday was my 20w u/s where we would have learned the gender of our baby. I did not think it would bother me so much that at 16w2d gestation it was too early to tell the gender of my baby, but it is. I think I could identify so much easier if I knew for sure the gender. I can say He or She instead of "it" or "Baby" but in my head I'm still asking myself "well which was it?"

It's even harder to be so freak'n scared to be pregnant again, yet want to be so badly.

No matter the age..

Natasha never tires of Peek-a-boo.





As she gets older the method she uses to hide simply changes. It's one of her favourite games. There are baby blankets all over from her dragging them about to hide under and 'scare' us when we start saying "Where's Natasha??"

Yesterday...

I would have had my diagnostic ultrasound and would have hopefully found out the gender of our baby. I was so busy in the morning preparing for my parents visit, then picking them up at the airport that I did not even think about it. Then I picked them up and mid afternoon my dad said 'Wow today's the 21st already!" It hit me like a ton rocks. Owen had plans with friends last night and there was no way I could go to bed without him, so I ended up staying up until 1am talking to a friend online to avoid going to bed alone.

I thought I had some clarity this past week on this whole when to TTC again, but again, I'm having doubts. Someone said something to me this past week that made so much sense "Even though she was pg again, you could visibly tell she was holding her breath the whole pg and did not breath easy again until she was holding her little girl." It's such an accurate description about how I feel about being pregnant again.

I want to TTC again, but the fear of being pregnant again is over-whelming. It's a horrible rollercoaster of emotions and I've hit a point where I want to keep talking about it over and over again, but I'm tired of going over it with my friends. They are all willing to listen, but I'm talking in circles and it's even starting to bore me, but I can't stop talking about it. That's almost just as frustrating. I just do not feel like anyone really understands how I'm feeling. It's really hard to be doing whatever one minute, reach to touch my stomach and then remember I'm not pregnant anymore. Then to have a complete turn around the next day and tell Owen I want to TTC right away.

That's how my day(s) go. A mixture of emotions and confusion that I have no way to stop or sort out. It's so hard. I just wish it would all stop. I know I want to be pregnant again, I'm just scared. Waiting a month or waiting 6m is not going to change that.

My f/u Doctor visit is the 9th of December. I'm anxious. I want her to tell me "Yes start TTC again and when you are pg, call, I'm 100% it was IC and we'll be pro-active and prevent another mis-carriage." I know that is so not going to happen.

Could it be?

14 days later and I think the bleeding has finally stopped. It was the last thing really that needed to end so that I could stop being reminded of what happened. Now it's a wait game to see how long my body takes to get back on track. My period came rather quickly after Tash was born, in a big part I think to not BF'n so we'll see how it goes this time.

Another Call..

Around 4.30 today my Dr. from the Low Risk Maternity Clinic called me. Last week when I received a letter from the Research Group and lost it bc I stupidly read the letter enclosed (ending with "Congratulations again on your pregnancy!). I had called the clinic (which I thought the social worker had for me) and again requested removal from the group again. The reason for the delay was because Dr. Paniche was away in Connecticut all of last week.

She called today to offer her sympathies and talk to me to see how I was doing. I thought it was really nice of her, considering I had only seen her 2xs, my initial apt and then the one group session. It was nice too in that I could ask her a bit more about an incompetent cervix. We talked about the evening leading up to it and she mentioned the same thing that the OB did at PLC, that a high percentage of women who are diagnosed with an IC do have their water break and go into labour prior to 20w. She confirmed the risks that I had read online about IC and also talked to me a bit about the Clerage but not a lot as it's not her specialty. She also confirmed with me that I could not be checked for IC until I was pregnant again. :0( I had read that, but it's still disappointing. It'd be nice if I could go see the Dr. and have her check and tell me "Yes I can tell right now that your cervix is weak". Perfect world eh?

Dr. P also confirmed that I would be high risk, which rules out a Midwife or going back to the Low Risk Clinic. I'd be referred to Dr. Igras (my follow up Dr.) or one other Dr. bc they are the only two doctors that specialize in this condition. I'm not sure if she meant near me (my area) or in the entire city. Dr. P told me that Dr. I is an amazing Dr. and when she was ready to have a baby she hoped for her to be her Dr. She said she'd be able to re-assure me and answer any questions I had about an incompetent cervix and the clerage procedure. So I've received yet another rave review about her. I'm starting to look forward to seeing her on the 9th.

It's a lot to think about. I'm not saying the procedure followed by weekly visits, limited bedrest and light lifting is not worth having a baby, I'm just thinking about the strain that is going to put on my marriage (once the stitches go in, even once I get pg, no more sex until I have the baby and heal), the chance of infertility from them or even the chance that they could do the procedure and I could still mis-carry.

The thing is, no one can tell me it's going to be ok next time. I need to get comfortable with the idea of being pg again and the chance I could lose our baby again. It's hard to face that unknown. I could say I'm not going to blog here anymore, but I'm finding it therapeutic so I might have a few more entries if I need to.

Eleven Days Later...

I thought as time went on, things were suppose to get better right? It's been Elven days since I mis-carried (Oct. 28th) and I find things are harder each day, not easier. I've been trying to keep busy with cleaning, crafting and playing with N, but then it gets dark and I lay in bed, Owen asleep, staring at the ceiling asking myself the same questions over and over again.

Two nights ago as I laid there I thought I heard a baby crying. I woke owen, asked him and he said what? I'm like do you hear that dog howling? He stopped breathing, listened and said no. As soon as he said no though, I heard it again and convinced myself it was a baby crying. /sigh I hate night time.

We met with friends for dinner tonight. The same friends who owen blurted out to that we mis-carried and shocked them. After dinner when the boys went down to the basement to play darts, I talked to T about things. I'm still self-diagnosing myself with something (IC) that I do not even know for a fact that I have. I guess it makes me feel better to know there might be a reason? But at the same time if it is the cause, the 'solution' and subsequent dominio effect it will cause if we TTC again depress me.

She did offer some in-sight that no one else has yet. When I said I knew 5 ppl who were due between April 1 and May 30th and I did not know how I was going to handle that, she suggested (taking Owen's side) that perhaps if I did go ahead and get preg. before then, I'd be more comfortable and better able to accept those births then if I just thought about my baby each time one of them had their baby. I certainly am not angry they are pregnant, I know even if they were not, the month of April would/is going to make me sad either way.

Our friend mis-carried at 13w and she 'jumped right back in' and was pg 2m later.

It's been 11 days. I need to be calm and patient like Owen. He's quite content to wait until the 9th of Dec. and see what Dr. I says. I can't help but to be overly emotional about everything. It's my nature.

The Bed Transition

So far so good. Her first couple of nights in her twin bed she cried for a few mins after we left the room but since then she's been good. She will lay/sit in there and babble still just like she did in her crib. Surprisingly she does not get out of her bed once we put her in it. The first night she got out around 2am and came to our room, but Owen shuffled her back to her bed and that was the end (so far) of night wanderings.

With all that is has happened, somewhere in between all of it we were able to get our Image CD from Lulu from our Photo session at Fish Creek Park back in September. The photos turned out really good considering how un-cooperative Tash was. We managed to get a few family photos, one that we'll put up on the wall. Since we did not get many, we've been calling the session "Natasha turns 2! Almost.." heh

When I find the time, I'll upload and post some. :0)

My Husband's an idiot.

/sigh Last night I was having a rough go of it, so I decided to take a hot bath. I knew that was going to be close to impossible as we have a small water tank so I'd not get as much of a "hot" bath as I wanted.

I'm just climbing into the bath when he comes in with natasha and announces "So I called Geoff and Trina, they've invited us over on Saturday at 4pm. Oh and I told them you mis-carried". This is where he's an idiot. This is where I lost it. We had not even told them I was pregnant. The last time we saw them was back in August when we all went camping. I was super early and we had not told anyone yet so chose not to share with them as well as a few other couples that were there.

I was upset because I'm sure he probably schocked Geoff by just blurting out "Hey Shelley Mis-carried" and secondly, after he tells Trina, they are then going to go "Hmm we did not even know they were pg" and I feel bad now that we did not tell them. I'm also upset because they were at least ONE couple/set of friends that did NOT know so I could have actually went there on Saturday and relaxed, not worried about them being nervous or wondering what to say.

After I cried for a good 15 mins I apologized, he apologized and we were ok I guess. I can't really blame him, he has no clue who knows and who didn't know I was pregnant. I explained to him that the calgary girls only knew bc I could not hide it and I told my mom, bc well it's my mom! Once he thought about it, he realized that "yeah we have not seen them in a long time have we?".

sigh. It's got to get easier.

Incompetent Cervix.

So, now that my head has cleared and I'm coming out of the fog, I've been reviewing what took place in the 48hrs+ I was at the hospital. The one thing that stands out for me is something the Gyne said she came in to check me at around 4am.

I wonder if you have an incompetent cervix? It happened so fast, I'm wondering if this might be the cause.

My waters broke at 10pm, I'd been having what I thought were Braxton Hicks since around 6pm and at 7pm I had been able to get a really strong heartbeat from baby of 150-155. My waters breaking is also something that really kind of points in this direction, the weight of baby was essentially causing me to dilate and go into labour. Imagine, 4oz of baby able to open and dilate my cervix. I just can't comprehend that.

I did not really ask many questions at the time, I was not in the right frame of mind, but now that I'm home, feeling a bit better, I want answers that just a couple of days ago I did not think I'd ever have. I'm disappointed though that I do not remember what this Gyne/OB said her name was, I only remember what she looked like.

I have though obtained the number at PLC for chart management so that I can get a copy of my chart. Everyone that saw me while I was there and did any sort of thing to me should have made note on my chart and signed/initialed it. The next question is, how legible will it be? My discharge papers say to call Dr. Igras for a f/u in 4-6w but I have no memory of seeing her? My Dr. that I saw at 12am (times are clear to me bc they always seem to do stuff to me on the exact hour - blood withdraws, blood pressure checks) was Dr. Iwanicki, not Dr. Igras. So is Dr. Ig the 4am person? /sigh

The other frustrating part is that I had none of the previous 'symptoms/causes' that would have made my have an incompetent cervix. I have been told and through a bit more searching have learned that my first pregnancy could have caused the weakening.

What can I do? Well it can be detected in early pregnancy. They check your cervix (something not routinely done during pg bc it does not occur frequently, plus my Dr. had no reason to believe it was a problem for me, I was spotting brown, but that can be 'normal'). and if it's stretching, you then get to have a clerage done at 14-16w. Then at 36-38w they take out the stitches.

If you are diagnosed after a second trimester loss or prior to pregnancy it is suspected that you will have problems with the strength of your cervix, a cerclage (stitching the cervix closed) can be performed prophylactically at approximately 14-16 weeks. It is said that the earlier you have the cerclage performed the more likely the pregnancy is to continue.

So I guess what I'm getting to, is that whoever that Gyne was at 4am, she could very well have saved me many loses if I do indeed have an incompetent cervix. Somehow it makes me feel better to have what could be an answer.

Time for a new Bed.

After a couple months of searching through various online stores and in person, we finally found a bed for Tash. I just happened to check Kjijiji.ca at the right time and found a beautiful dark stained sleigh bed. It had been up since Oct. 16th so I figure it was gone but emailed anyway. Lucky us, she still had it. I said we'd buy it just in time as over the next 24hrs they recieved 8 more calls/emails from ppl asking/wanting it.

It was an awesome deal - $500 for the frame/head/foot board, the mattress and the boxspring. Plus she threw in a coverlet, 3 sets of sheets and a super super soft blanket. It only took use about 15 mins to assemble and I have to say it's of awesome quality. Tash immediately wanted up on it. After jumping on it for a few mins, she decided to lay down and gaze out the window. heh

I like to think we got a good deal. Most of the better quality beds we looked at (Leon's, Sears, The Bay, Costco, IKEA) started out at $400 just for the frame alone. It was another 300+ for a mattress and boxspring. We told her this afternoon she has to keep the bed until she leaves home. :p

One day at a Time.

I've made a private post about our loss, but parts are a bit graphic so I'm not going to make it public. I don't want to scare anyone. :0(

Owen and I doing ok. Small things make me cry right now. Random photo on our gallery of me pg with Tash, cleaning out the Bugaboo transport bag today and finding the bunny I bought in France for new baby, sometimes Natasha, the thought of me not being pg anymore, the thought of so many other ppl I know that are pg right now, the thought of a crib bedding set on it's way to me that I bought before we went to France..the thought of how I'm going to feel come April 09, the knowledge that I may never know what exactly went wrong. That's the toughest right there. Not knowing the "why" and now that I've had a few days, not knowing if we had a little girl or a little boy.

We are both still happy with our decision not to see her. I don't think I would be sleeping well at night if I had. Some do want to see, but I just did not have the strength nor did Owen. He said he almost did, but in the end he turned away just as she went to lift him around to cover him.

Today surprisingly was a better day. Owen and I could actually talk seriously about things w/o joking. We both can actually see TTC again in our future. "Luckily" for me, it was not 'dramatic' as far as delivering her could have been.

I'm just going to leave this blog for a while. I could fill pages with my feelings, but I don't think right now that's going to help me feel better about the situation.

Tuesday (28th)

**may be graphic, but I need to get it out**

Tuesday evening my brown spotting turned to bright red at around 7.30pm (it's amazing how vivid certain times stand out for me). I got my doppler and was able to get another strong heartbeat of 155 bpm so I tried not to be worried. I *thought* it would stop. At 10pm I got off the sofa, took 3 steps and felt a gush. I thought it was all blood, which made me scream for Owen. Later I'd realize it was my waters that broke and it seemed like it was a gush of blood bc there was blood as well in my waters.

Owen came out of his office, shocked at first, then reached out and held me while I freaked out. He got me upstairs and I sat on the toilet until the waters stopped. Oddly enough, earlier in the evening I had commented to Owen that it felt like I was having Braxton Hicks but how that could not be possible this early.

After I had calmed down more, Owen told me he was taking me to the hospital. He woke up Tash, put her jacket on and got me out the door. We decided to go to PLC (FH is equally the same distance) ER. When we got there I was told they'd see me as soon as they could. About 15 mins later I went to pee and felt what I thought was my baby. I freaked out some more, raced to the ER window and they got me in ASAP.

I laid in a bed in a room for 30 mins before seeing the Dr. that came on at midnight. She was kind, soft spoken and honest. She examined me, told me it was the cord I had felt. =\ Things start to blur, but I remember her, the Nurse, and a few other nurses were awesome. A couple took Natasha off to explore the hospital while Dr. I checked me.

About an hour later I was moved to another place (still not a room, they were full) and was told sadly that I was losing our baby. It was 2am. Dr. I told me that I was dialated and she thought it would be 3-4hrs before I delivered. At this point I sent Owen and Natasha home and he promised to come back in the morning.

I shocked the gyne, Dr and nurses by saying I had zero pain. Each time (every HOUR on the HOUR) I had my blood pressure taken I was asked my pain level and each time I said 0-1, just mild cramps. I started to get worried because I thought "nothing" was happening, which scared me.

I slept off and on until 7.30am when I woke up and went to pee. I felt something. They paged the Dr. and as she came to examine me, thankfully Owen showed up. She told me she could see the baby and she was going to reach up and get the baby. Before she did, she asked if we wanted to see the baby (no) and then she delivered the baby. She was still amazed I felt no pain. She said even though the baby is so small I should have still felt full on painful labour. :0(

A social worker came in later and finally around 2pm they found me a bed. They'd put a request for surgery at 8am (D&C) and I spent the next 14hrs waiting for them to 'find time' for me. I was an E6, meaning up to 6hrs, so anything more urgent came in, I got bumped, and bumped again, and bumped again until 5.30am Wednesday morning.

I was put under so do not remember anything. I went in at 6am, was awake at 6.45am, pushed back to my room at 7pm and FINALLY able to eat. I had not ate since Tuesday at 6pm. You can't eat 8hrs before surgery so I got to fast for.ever.

They put me on anti-biotics so instead of being able to leave an hour after recovery, I had to wait until 2pm.

Now I'm home. I'm told this is where the healing begins.

First Group Session

I had my first session as part of the "All Our Babies" Research Study. I was a little anxious about doing it intially, mostly because I was worried it would be a repeat of what Owen and I did when we took the 10w course through the Calgary Health Region. What drew me to say yes was that I got in to see the Dr. before 20w and my wait time in a clinic was reduced to less then half. So instead of sitting for 2hrs in a clinic to wait to see a Dr. with Tash getting bored, I have 2hr session (where childcare is provided) that I sit through with 3 other pg women and see the dr. within 5mins.

I looked over the course material and while a lot of it is going to be repetitive, I'll deal. Everyone seems nice, and Dr. Panich (sp?) is really nice and has great bedside manner.

My doppler arrived this morning and since I'm still bleeding :-( I wanted to try it out. It took me 20 mins to find the heartbeat but when I did it was sooo nice to hear. It's still reading at 145-150 bpm which was what Tash's was when she was in utero.

I have another u/s tomorrow to check on things (Niki things I might have a low placenta that is causing the bleeding) and I'm going to ask if they can tell the gender, even though I know it's not clearly visible until 18w. My diagnostic u/s is on the 21st of november. I'll be close to 20w then so hopefully we'll know for sure then.

Still bleeding...

Last night I had a bit of a scare. I put Tash to bed and when I peed I was bleeding bright red. I can be calm about brown but when it turns bright red I get super concerned. I kept re-assuring myself as I laid in bed that I had heard a very strong heartbeat that morning and everything MUST be ok. I laid there for about an hour going over in my head what could cause it - all the lifting I do of Natasha (in and out of the crib, up and down stairs bc she won't come down them and is super slow going up), all the walking I did in Paris etc.

This morning it's brown again so I feel a bit better. I've decided that I better rest rest rest more and do a lot less carrying of Tash. To calm my nerves though, I ordered a Hi Bebe Doppler this morning. A friend has one, but I think it's in full rotation of use right now and I'd rather have my own for my entire pg and not worry about returning it after a few days or a week or what not.

It's just really for my own peace of mind. Since we are done with 2 kids, I'll sell it afterward. I should be able to find someone that would like it after I'm done with it. I wanted to buy it actually before I went to Paris, again for peace of mind while I was in another country but it was out of stock then.

Great First Appointment

I had my first apt this morning. I was a bit nervous about it, mostly bc I've never met a Doctor I liked. I have to say though that I love Dr. N! She was soo nice and thorough. I did not get asked half the questions last time that Dr. N asked this time. I mentioned to her about the brown spotting I've been having all week and she immediately said she'd book me for an u/s. Even though she said it was probably from the flight and the extra exertion of Paris (I walked for 6-7hrs a day!) and chasing a toddler around, she wanted to 'just make sure and re-assure me as well'. :0)

She did check for a heartbeat and found one after a few seconds. Nice and strong. :0) It was soo nice to hear the heartbeat. I'm still too early to feel any movement so after 2 weeks in Paris + the spotting it was so nice to hear the little guy.

Sucess!

Natasha let me put on her Bee Costume this morning without a fuss! Even the head piece. I'm completely shocked! heh Considering what a fuss she made on Monday, to happily wear it now is a big surprise. I guess she just needed to get use to it. I'm really happy she likes it now, even though I'm not a halloween fan, I love dressing her up each year.

The pose she did with the pumpkin is total luck! It's probably going to be the best capture I get of her in her costume. heh Couple more that I captured:

If Only I could adjust as well..

We returned home from Paris on Sunday. On Monday morning she woke up at 5am. She took her regular nap at 1pm (a very good coincidence that it was 8pm in Paris, her bedtime) , but I had to wake her up at 4pm. Then I put her back to bed at 9pm when I went to bed. She woke up at around 6 on Tuesday, napped regularly and woke on her own at around 4pm, back to bed at 8.

As of this moment she's still sleeping so I think her little body clock has adjusted quite easily back to MST. Me? I've been awake since 5am. =\ I think it's going to take me another day or two.

Mmm Yum Cheetos

For the last 3 weeks I can not get enough cheetos crunchy cheeses. I found some while we were in Paris but they just did not taste the same as the ones here. Today I got groceries and had to grab a big bag. With Natasha it was Dill Pickle Chips for the longest time.

Not much new happening, I lost about 5lbs while in Paris from all the walking I did while there. Probably a good thing because for the first trimester all I did was eat and sleep so I gained like 8lbs.

I have my first Dr.'s Apt on Thursday. This will be the last one I have with the Low Risk Clinic. When I was only around 8w pg I received a call asking if I'd be willing to participate in a study called "All Our Babies". One of the purposes of the Study is to help relieve the stress/burden on the Low Risk Clinics in the city. The more main purpose of the study is to help the Health Regions in Alberta to better plan and develop services that will best meet the needs of pregnant women.

I will complete 3 surveys, two during my pregnancy and then a 3rd one 4 months after the baby is born. Each session will involve one on one time with a Maternity Care Clinic and I'll also receive prenatal and childbirth classes.

It sounds a lot like the prenatal classes Owen and I took with Tash so I'm really hoping it won't be repetitive.

If only Bribery Worked.

Last Halloween Natasha LOVED her costume, this year I had doubts she'd let me put her in one. More of a mom 'hunch' then anything really. She's just been a lot pickier about what she'll let me dress her in, so I figured a costume was going to be a battle.

This year I ordered from Babystyle.com again and bought the bumble bee costume, which arrived while we were in Paris. Last night I decided I 'test' the waters and see how she felt about it. As expected, as soon as she saw me with the body of the costume she started to cry. :0( Being the mean mother I am, I still put it on her. :p

To make her stop crying I started to chase her around the kitchen Island going "Buzzz buzzz" which made her laugh and giggle and forget about the costume. After about 10 mins I put the head piece on and continued chasing her.

Anywho, after about 20 mins she seemed ok with the costume. I do not doubt for a minute though that she'll not want to be in it again come Sunday.


The picture is a bit crappy bc my ISO setting was messed up (not sure how it got set to "HIGH") but there she is. Oh and clenched in her little fists are animal crackers, again, more bribery. :p On Sunday she'll be wearing a black top.

Baby Baby Baby!

Tash is not really 'talking' yet and her single word sentences have slowed down but one word she never tires of is "Baby". Before she was even born I received a book called "123 Baby". It's board book that has tigers, penguins, fruit, babies, kittens and other things. It starts out with 1 and goes through up to 10. From when she was very wee she loved the book, would smile and later giggle at the tiger and the babies. I'm not sure what it was about the Tiger or babies but she loved those pages the best.

In the past month she brings you the book, turns to the babies and starts pointing to them..

baby?
Yes, that's a baby

Then she points to another baby on the page (I think there are 8 on the page) and says "Baby" again and I reply again. She will keep pointing for 15 mins or more before I can distract her to turn the page.

There is not much else new. She will take her 2nd plane ride in a few days. I'm not too worried about the trip to France, more worried about the flight home, as I'll be on my own with her as O will be staying for 5 days longer.

NT Scan

I had the NT scan done this afternoon. The Tech was ok, but a big rough around the edges. She was having trouble reading the fold (babe was not cooperating). The Dr. came in and was able to get it almost immediately. He was also super nice! It was great to see the Bebe on the screen and watch the heartbeat. I feel a lot better now leaving for France knowing everything is ok with the bebe. :0)

Not much new..

the fatigue is slowly starting to fade. I'm still napping about 2xs a week but I'm not as tired as I was previously. I am feeling a bit miserable today and yesterday. I've managed to catch a lovely sinus cold. :0( I'm sitting on the sofa right now debating on how much better I feel and whether or not I should call in sick for work tonight.

My NT Scan is coming up on the 3rd which I'm excited about. It will be nice to see the jellybean and hear the heartbeat before we leave the country.

Another Dr.'s Apt.

If I had procrastinated any longer in going to the Dr's I would have missed seeing Dr. F. He came back on the 27th from holidays and now he's leaving yet again. For a cruise this time and won't be returning until Oct. 7th, at which point I'll be leaving the following day until Oct. 20th.

Anywho, I had to take Natasha with me this time as the Geek no longer has Fridays off. Dr. F, who is usually not too far behind was 40mins to an hour behind. It was a real treat to keep Natasha occupied on top of it being that the only time I could get in was her naptime 1pm.

I got in to see him around 2pm, explained why I was there, got a Congratulations (much nicer then Mr. S) and then showed him my chart. I told him when I O'd and my due date and in reply got a "Well that's a cute/neat graph! When was the first day of your last period?" and left the room to look at his "pregnancy wheel".

He was super nice, got my nuchal booked (Oct. 3) and told me to come back again afterwards for a check up before I went to Paris. My first apt. with the Low Risk Clinic is not until I'm 20w so I might go to the Walk in one more time before then.

Barfiness.

blah I have felt so barfy all weekend. I think it's the heat. Not morning sickness, not nauseousness, just felt like I want to barf. Eating food does not help, it actually makes it worse.

Spiders Oh My!

Natasha and I were outside playing today. I left her for about 5 minutes to run into the house to get a drink of water. I'm on my way back out when all of the sudden she starts to screech and cry. I freak out and run back out to find her just where I left her, in her sandbox but she's standing up freaking.

I go over and there in the sand crawling over one of her sand toys is a spider. I seriously had to giggle. This is the same little girl that traps ants between her fingers, yet a spider is freaking her out. I scooped the spider out and held her for a minute or two which calmed her down enough to go back to playing in her sandbox.

I think I insulted him...

Last time, when I was pregnant with Natasha I did not have a family doctor. Nothing has changed since then, I still do not have a family doctor. So last time, I went to the clinic near my home, said I was pregnant, peed on a stick to prove it and easily got a referral to Grace Maternity Clinic. I figured this was 'standard' and would not be an issue to do the same thing for this pregnancy.

This time though, we've moved and the Low Risk Clinic is a mere 5 min. drive from our house, so very convenient. I thought nothing of going to the clinic near my house and requesting said referral, but I think I insulted the Doctor that was in that day by asking for it. Tash's doctor was not in so I saw Dr. S, who I've seen before and am not overly happy with.

Anywho, he comes into the exam room and asks what I'm there for. I explain that I'm pregnant, June 30th was the first day of my last period and that I wanted a referral to the LR Clinic on 96th. He gives me this 'look' and was a bit uppity and said "Well I have never done that before. Myself and my associates look after mothers until their 28th week doing all the tests until then, then refer them to the clinic to catch the baby."

I was like oh..well..last time..and I explained about last time. He stares at me again and asks if I have a family doctor. I told him my daughter saw Dr. F but I did not. Long story short he leaves the room, returns with a notepad and gives me the referral but makes me feel shitty and repeats several times that he NEVER does this and he's only doing it because I see one of his associates. After he finishes writing it he tells me he would prefer not to see me again and that I see Dr. F for all my future 'needs'. sigh.

I was going to ask for a 'script for Preg-Vit but decided not to since he was being snippy. When I go to the front desk I ask when Dr. Fu is in next and find out not until the 27th. gah! Then that afternoon they call me to say they booked my first pre-natal apt. and it's not until Dec. 16th! I'll be 20w by then. I asked her what about my 13w nuchal and the 18-20w one? She tells me to return to their medical clinic to get a requisition for that. Again GAH!!!

So I have to wait until the 27th when Dr. Fu returns from vacation to get my nuchal u/s, my Preg-Vit 'script and everything else. Only 5w in and I'm already annoyed.

Drinking from a cup!

For quite some time Tash has been wanting to drink from a cup whenever she sees us with a glass she automatically reaches for it. over the past few months we've had varying degrees of success, but more times then not, the majority of the water ends up down her shirt/pants or the floor then in her mouth.

I finally clued in recently and put a tiny bit of water in her IKEA cup and presto! no spills! heh So of course until she's had enough we both just stand by the sink. heh

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In the last week, Natasha has finally figured out what I mean when I say "Can Mommy have a kiss?" It's taken me several weeks of asking and then bring her face to mine and showing her how to give me a kiss on the cheek. Finally though, this past week she has caught on and if I ask she will give me this big wet kiss and giggle afterwards.

Tonight, after O had finished reading her bedtime stories, he said to Natasha, go say goodnight to mommy. I leaned down over the bed, she came down the hall and into the room and reached up on tip toe and kissed me on the cheek. My heart just melted.

Not realizing what my Toddler can do.

For months and months I've been cutting Tash's food. We give her a fork/spoon at mealtime and sometimes she uses it, sometimes she does not and we are indifferent to it. We figure she'll use it when she wishes. And since the majority of her meals are fruit/veggies/toast they are not things that really require utensils.

For fruit, I continue to cut it. It never crossed my mind that perhaps at 22 months old she just may be able to eat a banana without having to slice it up. I guess I got into a routine? Last weekend on the drive home from Fernie Tash was freaking out in her carseat. Really, a combination of being in the seat for 3hrs straight (on the way there we had stopped 2xs but on the way back home we stopped early on and then not again, stupid really) so I reached back in the cooler and got out a banana, peeled it and handed it to her. I shouldn't be shocked but she ate it just fine without slicing it up.

Today, I had the fridge open putting groceries away and the fruit tray was opened. She reached in and took an apple. I casually said "Mommy will cut it for you after I finish this Tash". Well while I was putting the rest of the food away my 'big' girl started to eat the apple. Of course after several bites she tossed it on the floor and then picked it up and continued to eat it. She did this several times while eating the apple. Silly girl!

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Yesterday while I was cooking Lunch Tash was outside in the backyard playing, I moved from the picture window to stir the macaroni and turned around a minute later to have Tash behind me holding out "Flowers" for me. Dandelions, but none the less flowers. Melted my heart. :D

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Maternity Wear.

When I was sorting through baby clothes over the weekend to consign/give-away/loan to a couple of friends I went through my maternity stuff as well. I had *thought* that when I was pregnant last time that all I wore were dress clothes bc I worked full time. After sorting through them I found 1 pair of jeans that I remember I loved (thyme) wearing, and 3 pairs of cotton like pants, brown, greenish colour and a 3rd colour that I can't recall. Anywho, my tops were a sorrier state. A lot of my maternity wear last time was hand me downs from my sister and some of it was stuff I bought which I know I can't bring myself to wear again. I think I bought it bc it was cheap and figured it would do, not because I liked it. So I really can't see myself wearing it again since I did not like it the first time.

So a couple of days ago I hit ebay and bought 2 winter coats, a more casual puffer (brown), a charcoal wool wrap and a couple of tops and a pair of jeans. The jeans are super cute, but have a band. last time I hated the band, but the pants I had with a band were like a full panel (I found them itchy), these ones are a roll down band and it's navy with white polka dots!



Since the band aka panel made my tummy itch last time, I really hope the roll down band feels different. The jeans were only $15 but I'd hate not to like them. I then added quite a few tops to my 'watch list and thought, Ok, this is good I should be good, just need a few more tops. Famous last words :P

I was chatting with Beth and she started telling me about these wrap tops she just bought and shared the link with me. Bad bad idea. I LOVED the tops and ended up buying a couple. Needless to say, I needed to remove several tops from my watch list on ebay. :p

The bottom of the top is actually two long tails that you wrap around your belly and tie in a knot/half bow or what not. Luckily the site has a video on how to wrap it, which, I've watched a couple of times and it does not seem too hard, but I doubt when the time comes I'll be able to wrap it as neat as it was done in the video. :p I guess I can always return them if they do not fit well/right or I can't get the hang of it.

The pink wrap top is a bit daring, but B bought the same top in gray and told me the pink would look nice on me..and well I really like pink (in limited quantities) so decided to give it a shot. I'm super excited to get my new tops! Plus I was just watching a video on the site and the 3rd top I posted is 'runched' and they talked about how you can wear it at 3m pregnant and after your pregnancy which would rock.

Gah!

A couple of weeks ago when I was closing, K, the mgr told me I looked tired. I said yeah, I've been tired lately. In the back of my head I was thinking the napping and fatigue over the smallest tasks was a sign I was pregnant. I experienced the exact same thing when I was pregnant with Tash and recognized it as being different then just not getting enough sleep.

Well she pops out with "OMG you're pregnant! You're a fertile Merytle!" I brushed her off and said nah, I just have a lot going on.

Fast Forward to last night. I show up to work for the first time in over a week and go to see where I am for the night and the first thing K says (keep in mind she's an excited LOUD talker whenever she talks) is "SO ARE YOU PREGNANT!?!?" right in front of the other manager (one I do not especially like TBH). Owen says I should have lied but I could not seem to, so I said .."Umm yes, but I'm only a wee four weeks, I've not went to the Dr. to get my referral to the clinic or booked my nuchal so if you could please keep it under wraps, I'd appreciate it. We've not even shared the news with friends or family."

They both said they would not spread the news. However *sigh* A Gapper was near by when K asked so on my break which coincided with hers she goes "So how long have you known you were pregnant?" Again, I reiterated that we really are not sharing the news, we want to have the u/s first and share at 14w ish (when we return from Paris). We'll see how that goes.

The decision not to share is one that we both agreed to so I felt really bad the I could not lie to my manager. I don't know why we want to be hush hush about it this time, not even sharing with close friends. I think part of it is bc I'm more nervous this time, I'm not sure why, perhaps because I was so sheltered about what 'could' happen the first time and this time I'm a lot more knowledgeable about it all. It also does not help that one of our friends had a miscarriage at 13w recently.

Week Four and some change.

Before I even got pregnant, Owen and I decided together that we'd wait to share our news. Last time we told a couple of close friends and then around 13w we shared the news with family and the rest of our friends. This time though, he wants to wait. And really, I'm a bit more nervous this time around for some reason, so I'd rather wait as well until I've been to the doctor to get my referral to the clinic and had my nuchal u/s and know that everything is ok.

This time instead of waiting until Owen got home from work I ended up calling him in the afternoon, asking him what his 'prediction' was since he felt his accuracy at guessing was just as good as the 57% chance of the 1st Response test. It took him about 5 mins to clue in from my teasing that I had tested and was indeed pregnant.

So far I'm just really tired all the time, the same as before. I am anxious though to go see my Dr. and get my referral to the Clinic. I need to get in for the nuchal u/s before we head off to Paris. According to a chart I was reading after inputing my dates, I need to have it booked between Sept. 21 and Oct. 11th. We plan to leave around Oct. 10th so hopefully the clinic is not too busy and I can get in before we go. We had one with Tash and I want to have it done again this time. :0)

First Camping Trip

We had our first camping trip this past weekend. It went way better then I expected but apparently not as well as Owen had thought. heh We woke up Sunday morning to the sound of rain and Owen saying to me "You know...we should head home today instead of tomorrow. I'd like a day to relax before having to go back to work."

I was having fun so a bit surprised that he wanted to pack up a bit early to go home. After some cajoling I got out of him that Tash was "Too busy and into everything" and he'd just like to relax for a day without chasing her from running into the lake, eating mud/rocks/bugs and who knows what.

I will admit that it was not as easy to watch her out in the 'wilderness' like it is at home and her routine is totally thrown out of whack but it's just something you deal with and accept.

Anywho, the 3 days we were there were fun. Tash loved the lake and playing on the beach (I'm pretty sure more sand stayed there then she ate!) and I am excited to camp again in a couple of weeks! The only thing we have to work on is the sleeping arrangements. The first night she spent with her head on me and kicking owen in the head. The 2nd night she snuggled up against my chest and slept like that, which was good. If she could continue to sleep like that it would rock.

She won't sleep in the PnP or peapod so she has to sleep with us. We are thinking for next summer getting one of those tents that has one that adjoins to it.

Positive

Against my better judgement I took a pregnancy test this morning (at 10DPO last time I got a BFN, it was not until 14DPO I got my BFP with Tash). I have (had) four and thought, what the heck, might as well. I was totally preparing myself for a negative, and my breath sort of caught in my throat as the pee went under the little plastic window and I did not even get the control line. I thought WTF?? It's a bad test. Of course I did not use a cup, so I figured Great! now I have to wait until tomorrow. Damn. So I held on to it and came down downstairs to toss it, taking one last look at it to see that not only was there one line, but two bright-no-mistaking-it lines. :D


I have 2 digital tests but decided this morning that since I got a neg with the digital test went I was testing to see if I was pregnant with tash, I figured I'd try the line one bc then maybe I'd get a faint line and I'd test again in a couple of days with the digital. I think bc I'm a freak I'll probably test again with a digital on Friday.

So who have I told? No one. Not even Owen. Last night I asked a stupid question "Do you think I'm pregnant?" and he goes "No, we can't be that lucky to get pregnant so quickly." Then he spent 10 mins. admonishing me about even considering to test today. "Don't do it, wait and if your period does not show up this weekend, then mother nature has told you that you are pregnant, no test required!" Plus it's only 57% chance you'll get your positive this soon, I can give you a 50% chance right now that "no you are not preg" and it's just as good. Gee thanks hon.

I'm sitting here in the kitchen, staring at the test thinking "here we go again" and "Tash is going to be a big sister" followed by "omg I'm having a baby at the end of April!"

Temps dropped.

My temps dropped this morning. :0( I'm 9 DPO and my period should start this weekend, so it's not over yet, but I'm doubtful now. Oddly enough I was not like this when I was TTC with Tash. I'm holding out a bit of hope bc this week I've been having to get up at 6.30 and even though ovusoft adjusts it, I find it to be off. At least in my mind it is. :p My temp did not drop too much and of course yesterdays seemed a bit high to me, so I guess I can't really be disappointed until I get my negative.

I'm still going to test on Friday though (12 DPO). We plan to go camping all weekend in Fernie, so if I'm not pregnant I want to indulge in some alcohol. :p

Because I'm paranoid

I don't want to get my hopes up, but here are a few symptoms that make me think I could *possibly* be pregnant. :D

• Cramping at 7 DPO. They felt like menstrual cramps that I do get, but not usually until my period actually starts. I had them all day and have had them off and on today, so I'm starting to feel doubtful that it's pregnancy related. I mean, really, how long would it take the egg to attach to the uterine wall?? Surely not two days? And it's been super painful at times, so I'm thinking I just ate something bad. :p
  

• I took 2 naps yesterday - 11-12 and 3-4pm. I had gotten plenty of sleep the night before, I just felt soo tired. Very unusual for me since I never nap. I actually hate naps.

• Soo tired the last couple of days. This is something I had when I was pregnant with Tash and at the time I could not fathom why such menial tasks like ironing could make me feel so tired. I don't think this is a typical pregnancy symptom, I think I have this one bc I have such a poor diet (I try honest!) that when a baby starts to grow s/he suck what reserves I have until I wake up and start eating extra to make up for it.

• I noticed a bit of stretchy EWCM today. I read yesterday or was it today? that this could happen when the mucus plug is forming.

• The other thing, even though my temps do not drop below my baseline before my period starts, they never go up to 36.8/.9, which it spiked to yesterday morning - 36.9 and again today. Ovusoft adjusted it though to 37 since I had to temp at 6.30am as to my usual 7.30.

I'm trying really really hard to hold out testing until Friday, which would be 12 DPO, the day my period should start. On top of all these "symptoms" though, I'm also sensing some that could be period related - like sore breasts.

Funnily enough, I was not this anxious the first time. Like I have said tons of times before, Owen had me so convinced that it was going to take us a super long time to get pg that I was totally not expecting to get pregnant soon so I did not pay any attention to these things. :p

Bye bye!

Last night we went out to dinner at the Keg to enjoy their Summer "Lobsterfest!". Friends of ours who only live about a 10 mins walk from the Keg on 11th offered to watch Tash for us, and since it was so nice out, we figured it would be nice to walk there. Plus, it would help walk off the meal afterwards. :p

Anywho, after dinner, we went back to their place and sat around and chit chatted for a while. The cuteness was, when we were leaving, C leaned down and said "Bye bye Natasha" and then his wife repeated it and very very quietly, a whisper really Natasha goes "Bye bye" several times and waves. My heart melted a little.

She's been saying words for a while but had never said bye bye before. C&S love Tash and are always bugging us to watch her and then admonishing us when we come back from out 'date' too early (aka 9-10pm) because they want to watch her longer.

Weird body..

I was saving my database to my laptop and with a recent post on the msg board I'm on, I thought I'd look at some of my previous cycles to see if my temp dropped after the 3 highs signifying O or stayed high, which is believe to mean you are pregnant. Anywho I went back about 6 cycles and my temp always stays high until my period shows up. It never drops below my baseline, it's always in the 36.7-.8 range.

yay for Ovulating

So on schedule I ovulated on Sunday. Owen is yet to be convinced though. He feels going from a baseline of 36.45 to 36.6 is not that big of a jump. However when my usually temp is 36.1-.3 it is a jump. I think my thermometer battery needs to be changed though, it seems to be super slow at getting a reading these past few days.

I've uploaded my chart one last time and won't be uploading it again until I find out myself if I'm pregnant. I really want time to digest it (either way) and feel comfortable sharing. I can't read charts but I know some ppl are excellent stalkers and I'd just rather know whether or not I'm pregnant before they know. ;-)

Let a sleeping Bear lay..

I was out last night and did not get home until 11.30-ish. Before I left Owen said to me "I'll be asleep when you get home, but you can wake me - wink wink". Well I got home, went up to bed and laid there for 15 mins with wondering "Should I, Shouldn't I?" I nuzzled him a few times, he rolled over and snuggled but did not really "wake" up so I decided, no, I'm tired, I'm not in the mood and I'm not waking him up to have sex.

For some reason I thought last time we were TTC we had sex every day for 7 days leading up to O. I checked my chart this morning though and it was only every other day. I then remembered that I had read that you should have it every other day bc every day could lower sperm count and your husband might not be able to produce enough if you did every day. Remembering that snippet makes me feel really silly. Serioulsy I like to think that I am a somewhat reasonable person and thinking that not just makes it seem like complete nonsense. Sure he might not produce as much but it's not like he'd run out...

I feel even sillier to think that I felt I had to have sex last night or it was the end of the world. Yes, very silly. I've been feeling really weird lately.

Weaning.

I'm not quite sure how soon we gave Tash a pacifier but it's not something I thought about before doing, I just did it. It was one of those things where you see them everywhere and just 'assume' it's one of those things that everyone does. The only ground rule I made was that my child would not have a pacifier clipped to their shirt at age 2+ in public. :p She also never (not since we was wee anyway) get it outside of nap and bedtime. She knows the pacifier does not leave the room and will actually take it out when you go in to get her in the morning and hand it to you unless she's dropped it on the floor.

Anywho, for a couple of months now Owen and I have brought up about weaning Tash off her pacifier. We have never actually said "Ok, let's get rid of the pacifier" we've just discussed that we should probably do it before we move her to her twin bed. The only step I made towards weaning it was removing the "collection" of about 8 of them from the change table to a drawer in her closet, only leaving out 2.

Last night I had to work and when I got home Owen told me that he had a super tough time getting Tash to sleep. I asked him why, was she not tired? He then goes on to explain that she was crying sooo hard he thought she had hurt herself and went up to her room to comfort her. Nothing helped so he finally gave her a pacifier. This is where I sit there, staring at him and ask "Umm why did she not have one?" and he goes on to say "Well I've not been giving her one at bedtime for about 2 weeks now, I thought we were weaning her off of it?? She's not complained once any of the times in the last 2 weeks I've not given it to her"

Why yes, we were "talking" about when, but never actually said "OK let's do it". I was really curious about how useful it was to wean her when only one of us was aware that we were actually doing it. So, since I do naptimes I was giving her a pacifier, and because my only participation at bedtime is a hug and kiss before she goes upstairs, I had no idea Owen was not giving her one.

In typical man style, he just laughed and was like "Oh well I guess she knew we were weaning her and changed her mind!" Umm yeah changed her mind all right.

Playing Dress up..sort of..

When I first started putting pigtails in Tash's hair it was quite the battle. She absolutely hated it. I had to go in our en suite bathroom (which really should be called a closet), shut the door and put them in. Within 15 mins she would just pull them out. I kept doing it, even though it caused a tantrum (because I'm a bad mother) and eventually she got use to it.

In the last few days she is now bringing me my hair clips to put in her hair. If they fall out (which they do because she has fine hair) she brings them back to be put in again. Her other new fascination are headbands. She puts them in herself, although not properly, but will wear them for hours.

She also likes to wear my shoes. Slippers, sandals, anything that is out she'll try on and then try to walk in them. I wonder if I'm going to have a girly girl on my hands? I was never one growing up, I was a tom boy believe it or not. Even though I buy Tash dresses and some pink stuff, I never really thought she might not be a tom boy like I was.

Inspiration and more painting.

It occurred to me yesterday after I put Tash down for her nap that once I am pregnant, I'm not going to be able to prime the 3rd bdrm. As I've mentioned numerous times, each time I've painted a room I've had to use special primer. Said primer is oil based and very very strong/stinky. I've found odorless stuff but it's a lot thinner and splatters a lot when applied.

Now, I could have Owen paint the primer coat, but I'd still have to leave the house for the day until he was done and the odor had dissipated. Plus, he never tapes right and it bugs me. :p Long story short, while Tash slept yesterday I went to work. I only got as far as peeling the wallpaper border off before we had to leave for her dr. apt, but it's one step right?

I found inspiration for the room a few days ago but I'm a bit nervous to paint it like in those colours. The main coat is chocolate brown and then there is one wall that has squares with white borders but not a full wall, just two rows. Being the goof I am I taped it out on the wall to try and visualize better how it would look. Obviously it did not help. Owen is scared the brown will be too dark, I'm worried squares on one wall will look funny. Does my future kid's room really require a feature wall?? Plus when I taped it out, the last square I'd paint is only half so I'm wondering if that would look funny or if I should calculate it so that the blocks on both ends are the same size and then the ones in the middle the full 2x2?

Owen told me I could just paint it all one colour, novel idea eh? I did something special for Tash's room, I just feel I should do something special for future kid #2's room as well.

I found some other cool inspiration while browsing the other day as well;

I think these designs are really nice, but I'm not into wall murals so much. It seems like an expensive endeavour (if you have zero artistic skills) for something you will need to paint over when they get too old. The person who did the Mr Men and Little Miss actually painted that, it's not a wallpaper border. I think that is what is making this so hard, I want a room that will grow with my kid and not be babyish.

18 Month Check-up 2 months late.

Like her vaccinations, I always seem to be behind on these check ups. The light at the end of the tunnel is that at age 2 they stop for a while, however, by then we'll hopefully be pregnant with a 2nd child so I get a brief break before all the visits start up again.

Anywho, I took her in to see Dr. Fu and she's a-ok, not that I had any doubts. She's jumped to 90% on the charts for weight but I have no idea for height, they did not measure her. Back in January at her 1 yr check up (notice that one was 2 months over due as well :p) she weighed in at 22lbs, this visit the scale (we've graduated to one you step on instead of the baby scale) said 26lbs but the nurse said it's off a bit so wrote down 28lbs. I'm going to take the middle ground and say she weighs 27lbs.

Either way she's growing like a weed which shocks me since she's such a grazer when it comes to food.

Let's see if I can be on time for her 2 yr apt. I'm guessing not since we'll just be returning from Paris about that time so I'll probably put it off until I recover from jet lag and get re-organize after being away for so long.

First haircut, sort of...

I've been debating for a couple of months now whether or not to give Tash bangs. Somehow overnight it seems she went from being a little baldy babe to having all this hair for pigtails. When her hair is up in pigtails, her bangs are not an issue but since I do not do pigtails every day (when we are just hanging out at home she'll pull them out) the majority of the time she has hair in her eyes.

So last night at my hair apt (yes the little munchkin ended up coming with me and was actually really good!) while my colour was setting I had G trim just her bangs. I also expressed that I did not want a blunt cut bang. I just think it looks weird. I also did not want any cut off the back or sides because I still wanted to do pigtails.

Anywho I'm calling it the non-first haircut since it took 30 seconds and she only cut her bangs. Plus I did not have my camera, since I was unsure if I was going to let G cut her hair. So it's not officially her first haircut since 1) it took G about 10 seconds and 2) was 3 cuts. :p

Weee!

The seller and I had extensive convos last night on Etsy and she found all the fabrics to do the quilt except the Aqua Damask one. She did find a fabric by the same designer though to replace it, it's still Aqua but it's cherry stems instead. I can't wait to get it! She has to order the fabrics and then make it so it will be about 3 weeks but since I'm not pregnant, I'm in no rush..kinda of! hehe just impatient.

In my excitement I also asked her if any of her venders had some cute fabrics for girls (she had a watermelon quilt already made but it was just too much pink for my taste!) and she found Red Farmer's Market by Sandi Henderson. I love the Cherries and the apples! The reds and greens are so pretty.

I decided that some day down the road when the kids see their quilts that Tash would say "Mom why did my little brother/sister have this nice handmade quilt and I had this one?" Seriously! I'm positive she'll say that. :p

Sooo Heather at A La Mode Fabric Boutique is going to make one for Tash too in the Red Farmer's Market Collection. This quilt will also take some time to do as the fabrics are not available until sometime this month for purchase. I'm super excited! The plan is when the kid(s) are older and get married and hopefully have their own kids I'll give them these quilts for their babies. Hopefully they'll like the sentiment as much as I do. :0)

I'm so happy this time to just buy a beautiful quilt instead of the full set. We used the bumper pads a bit with Tash but not really enough to make it worth the cost.

Now if we could just find time to actually TTC. I do not think I've seen my husband for more then 30 mins at a time since Saturday. he's been busy with Stampede and when he hasn't been doing that or working, I've been working. meh.

It's all Beth's Fault. :p

When we were talking the other day she asked if I had bought anything yet for the future kidlet that has yet to even be conceived yet. I thought for a minute and was like mm no, not yet but I really want the the BeTween diaper bag.

After thinking about it for a minute though, I remembered that I had bought Feb-July in GAP zodiac onsies when they were on sale, a boy and a girl outfit and a the GAP Brannan Bear. oops? Either way she put a buzz in my ear (is that the expression?) and today while Tash is napped, I started looking for a crib set. Well not so much a set. I told myself this time I was not spending some insane amount of money on the full crib set like I did with Tash (x2, she has a frog set too that Owen loved and I hated). This time I would just get a quilt and then buy crib sheets if needed.

Anywho, I was perusing ebay and stumbled on this quilt kit and before I new it, I had clicked "buy now". oops? :p

I've also gotten a convo going with an etsy seller for a boy rag quilt that I love too. Whichever one I do not keep/need I'll gift the other. :0)

This is the one I'm looking into having done for a boy;

New Words

For a while now Natasha has been saying words yet she hardly ever repeats them. I keep telling Owen that she learns/says a couple of new words a week but because when he asks her to say that word and she doesn't, he never believes me. In recent weeks though, she's started to repeat a few when you ask her - "Dug" [dog], "Ball", and Bubbles. Her vocabulary is actually getting quite big, she just choses not to share her knowledge with others, especially her dad. It was the same with signing. She's sign for me but not for him.

Today was mission organization. I wanted to get under the stairs cleaned out and finally organize the storage closet that is off the playroom. Of course today was the day that Tash wanted to be right under my feet so it was slow going. At one point she was right in my way, there was not way around her and I was lugging a heavy box so I said "Tash please move for mommy". She stands there staring up at me. So I said again "Tasha please move" again she just stands there. The box is getting heavier by the minute so I nudged her with my foot and go "Tash move now please!" and what does the little bugger do? She stands there looking up at me and goes "Move! Move! Move! Move!" but doesn't move. :p I finally nudged her enough so that I could get by, but it was a bit funny that she learned a new word and repeated it so many times.

Hip Hip Hooray it's a Gymboree Day!

When Natasha was 8m old I signed her up for Gymboree for the first time. I'd stopped myself from doing it earlier bc I really did not feel it was worth the $$ to sit and sing songs/blow bubbles. As it turns out, at 8m she was not really so much into it either. She had just started to crawl, was really timid and spent most of the 45mins clinging to me.

Why I decided to give it another chance in the spring was only bc a couple of my friends who were still taking their kids said it was on special for $143. So I signed Tash up for Lvl 4 and surprise! She LOVED it this time around. When the special came again for the Summer Session and the clause that you could go as many times as you wanted I thought "Heck, why not?" I also did it with the thought in mind that Owen could take her on his Flex Fridays and I could get a nice break in the morning and they'd get some quality time together.

Anywho, Tuesday was their first day together at Gymboree (I went along to kind of show Owen what she liked, didn't like etc) and Owen had a blast along with Tash. I think I made a great choice in signing her up again. :0)

These are my two favourite pictures from the session. It was all about pushing and pulling. In these two she's pushing this HUGE ball up a ramp to drop it off into an innertube;

I love how she got her tongue out in the first shot!

My Husband the Comedian

Me: Honey, I was just inputing my daily info into TCOYF and it says for Delivery Planning we should have intercourse the 14th to the 21st.

Him: I'm off work that week right?

Me: I think so

Him: Sounds like it's going to be an awesome Vacation!

Happy Canada Day!