Yesterday...

I would have had my diagnostic ultrasound and would have hopefully found out the gender of our baby. I was so busy in the morning preparing for my parents visit, then picking them up at the airport that I did not even think about it. Then I picked them up and mid afternoon my dad said 'Wow today's the 21st already!" It hit me like a ton rocks. Owen had plans with friends last night and there was no way I could go to bed without him, so I ended up staying up until 1am talking to a friend online to avoid going to bed alone.

I thought I had some clarity this past week on this whole when to TTC again, but again, I'm having doubts. Someone said something to me this past week that made so much sense "Even though she was pg again, you could visibly tell she was holding her breath the whole pg and did not breath easy again until she was holding her little girl." It's such an accurate description about how I feel about being pregnant again.

I want to TTC again, but the fear of being pregnant again is over-whelming. It's a horrible rollercoaster of emotions and I've hit a point where I want to keep talking about it over and over again, but I'm tired of going over it with my friends. They are all willing to listen, but I'm talking in circles and it's even starting to bore me, but I can't stop talking about it. That's almost just as frustrating. I just do not feel like anyone really understands how I'm feeling. It's really hard to be doing whatever one minute, reach to touch my stomach and then remember I'm not pregnant anymore. Then to have a complete turn around the next day and tell Owen I want to TTC right away.

That's how my day(s) go. A mixture of emotions and confusion that I have no way to stop or sort out. It's so hard. I just wish it would all stop. I know I want to be pregnant again, I'm just scared. Waiting a month or waiting 6m is not going to change that.

My f/u Doctor visit is the 9th of December. I'm anxious. I want her to tell me "Yes start TTC again and when you are pg, call, I'm 100% it was IC and we'll be pro-active and prevent another mis-carriage." I know that is so not going to happen.