Eleven Days Later...

I thought as time went on, things were suppose to get better right? It's been Elven days since I mis-carried (Oct. 28th) and I find things are harder each day, not easier. I've been trying to keep busy with cleaning, crafting and playing with N, but then it gets dark and I lay in bed, Owen asleep, staring at the ceiling asking myself the same questions over and over again.

Two nights ago as I laid there I thought I heard a baby crying. I woke owen, asked him and he said what? I'm like do you hear that dog howling? He stopped breathing, listened and said no. As soon as he said no though, I heard it again and convinced myself it was a baby crying. /sigh I hate night time.

We met with friends for dinner tonight. The same friends who owen blurted out to that we mis-carried and shocked them. After dinner when the boys went down to the basement to play darts, I talked to T about things. I'm still self-diagnosing myself with something (IC) that I do not even know for a fact that I have. I guess it makes me feel better to know there might be a reason? But at the same time if it is the cause, the 'solution' and subsequent dominio effect it will cause if we TTC again depress me.

She did offer some in-sight that no one else has yet. When I said I knew 5 ppl who were due between April 1 and May 30th and I did not know how I was going to handle that, she suggested (taking Owen's side) that perhaps if I did go ahead and get preg. before then, I'd be more comfortable and better able to accept those births then if I just thought about my baby each time one of them had their baby. I certainly am not angry they are pregnant, I know even if they were not, the month of April would/is going to make me sad either way.

Our friend mis-carried at 13w and she 'jumped right back in' and was pg 2m later.

It's been 11 days. I need to be calm and patient like Owen. He's quite content to wait until the 9th of Dec. and see what Dr. I says. I can't help but to be overly emotional about everything. It's my nature.