but if I have to see/hear/read about one more pg announcement I think I'm going to lose my mind. Add to it the pregnancy updates, the belly posts and then the end of pregnancy whines and I've just had enough. That said I'll be taking a little break from a certain message board. I can avoid reading the posts but even seeing the thread title is just too hard for me right now. It's hard to think that this past Friday was my 20w u/s where we would have learned the gender of our baby. I did not think it would bother me so much that at 16w2d gestation it was too early to tell the gender of my baby, but it is. I think I could identify so much easier if I knew for sure the gender. I can say He or She instead of "it" or "Baby" but in my head I'm still asking myself "well which was it?"
It's even harder to be so freak'n scared to be pregnant again, yet want to be so badly.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
No matter the age..
Natasha never tires of Peek-a-boo.
As she gets older the method she uses to hide simply changes. It's one of her favourite games. There are baby blankets all over from her dragging them about to hide under and 'scare' us when we start saying "Where's Natasha??"
As she gets older the method she uses to hide simply changes. It's one of her favourite games. There are baby blankets all over from her dragging them about to hide under and 'scare' us when we start saying "Where's Natasha??"
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Yesterday...
I would have had my diagnostic ultrasound and would have hopefully found out the gender of our baby. I was so busy in the morning preparing for my parents visit, then picking them up at the airport that I did not even think about it. Then I picked them up and mid afternoon my dad said 'Wow today's the 21st already!" It hit me like a ton rocks. Owen had plans with friends last night and there was no way I could go to bed without him, so I ended up staying up until 1am talking to a friend online to avoid going to bed alone.
I thought I had some clarity this past week on this whole when to TTC again, but again, I'm having doubts. Someone said something to me this past week that made so much sense "Even though she was pg again, you could visibly tell she was holding her breath the whole pg and did not breath easy again until she was holding her little girl." It's such an accurate description about how I feel about being pregnant again.
I want to TTC again, but the fear of being pregnant again is over-whelming. It's a horrible rollercoaster of emotions and I've hit a point where I want to keep talking about it over and over again, but I'm tired of going over it with my friends. They are all willing to listen, but I'm talking in circles and it's even starting to bore me, but I can't stop talking about it. That's almost just as frustrating. I just do not feel like anyone really understands how I'm feeling. It's really hard to be doing whatever one minute, reach to touch my stomach and then remember I'm not pregnant anymore. Then to have a complete turn around the next day and tell Owen I want to TTC right away.
That's how my day(s) go. A mixture of emotions and confusion that I have no way to stop or sort out. It's so hard. I just wish it would all stop. I know I want to be pregnant again, I'm just scared. Waiting a month or waiting 6m is not going to change that.
My f/u Doctor visit is the 9th of December. I'm anxious. I want her to tell me "Yes start TTC again and when you are pg, call, I'm 100% it was IC and we'll be pro-active and prevent another mis-carriage." I know that is so not going to happen.
I thought I had some clarity this past week on this whole when to TTC again, but again, I'm having doubts. Someone said something to me this past week that made so much sense "Even though she was pg again, you could visibly tell she was holding her breath the whole pg and did not breath easy again until she was holding her little girl." It's such an accurate description about how I feel about being pregnant again.
I want to TTC again, but the fear of being pregnant again is over-whelming. It's a horrible rollercoaster of emotions and I've hit a point where I want to keep talking about it over and over again, but I'm tired of going over it with my friends. They are all willing to listen, but I'm talking in circles and it's even starting to bore me, but I can't stop talking about it. That's almost just as frustrating. I just do not feel like anyone really understands how I'm feeling. It's really hard to be doing whatever one minute, reach to touch my stomach and then remember I'm not pregnant anymore. Then to have a complete turn around the next day and tell Owen I want to TTC right away.
That's how my day(s) go. A mixture of emotions and confusion that I have no way to stop or sort out. It's so hard. I just wish it would all stop. I know I want to be pregnant again, I'm just scared. Waiting a month or waiting 6m is not going to change that.
My f/u Doctor visit is the 9th of December. I'm anxious. I want her to tell me "Yes start TTC again and when you are pg, call, I'm 100% it was IC and we'll be pro-active and prevent another mis-carriage." I know that is so not going to happen.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Could it be?
14 days later and I think the bleeding has finally stopped. It was the last thing really that needed to end so that I could stop being reminded of what happened. Now it's a wait game to see how long my body takes to get back on track. My period came rather quickly after Tash was born, in a big part I think to not BF'n so we'll see how it goes this time.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Another Call..
Around 4.30 today my Dr. from the Low Risk Maternity Clinic called me. Last week when I received a letter from the Research Group and lost it bc I stupidly read the letter enclosed (ending with "Congratulations again on your pregnancy!). I had called the clinic (which I thought the social worker had for me) and again requested removal from the group again. The reason for the delay was because Dr. Paniche was away in Connecticut all of last week.
She called today to offer her sympathies and talk to me to see how I was doing. I thought it was really nice of her, considering I had only seen her 2xs, my initial apt and then the one group session. It was nice too in that I could ask her a bit more about an incompetent cervix. We talked about the evening leading up to it and she mentioned the same thing that the OB did at PLC, that a high percentage of women who are diagnosed with an IC do have their water break and go into labour prior to 20w. She confirmed the risks that I had read online about IC and also talked to me a bit about the Clerage but not a lot as it's not her specialty. She also confirmed with me that I could not be checked for IC until I was pregnant again. :0( I had read that, but it's still disappointing. It'd be nice if I could go see the Dr. and have her check and tell me "Yes I can tell right now that your cervix is weak". Perfect world eh?
Dr. P also confirmed that I would be high risk, which rules out a Midwife or going back to the Low Risk Clinic. I'd be referred to Dr. Igras (my follow up Dr.) or one other Dr. bc they are the only two doctors that specialize in this condition. I'm not sure if she meant near me (my area) or in the entire city. Dr. P told me that Dr. I is an amazing Dr. and when she was ready to have a baby she hoped for her to be her Dr. She said she'd be able to re-assure me and answer any questions I had about an incompetent cervix and the clerage procedure. So I've received yet another rave review about her. I'm starting to look forward to seeing her on the 9th.
It's a lot to think about. I'm not saying the procedure followed by weekly visits, limited bedrest and light lifting is not worth having a baby, I'm just thinking about the strain that is going to put on my marriage (once the stitches go in, even once I get pg, no more sex until I have the baby and heal), the chance of infertility from them or even the chance that they could do the procedure and I could still mis-carry.
The thing is, no one can tell me it's going to be ok next time. I need to get comfortable with the idea of being pg again and the chance I could lose our baby again. It's hard to face that unknown. I could say I'm not going to blog here anymore, but I'm finding it therapeutic so I might have a few more entries if I need to.
She called today to offer her sympathies and talk to me to see how I was doing. I thought it was really nice of her, considering I had only seen her 2xs, my initial apt and then the one group session. It was nice too in that I could ask her a bit more about an incompetent cervix. We talked about the evening leading up to it and she mentioned the same thing that the OB did at PLC, that a high percentage of women who are diagnosed with an IC do have their water break and go into labour prior to 20w. She confirmed the risks that I had read online about IC and also talked to me a bit about the Clerage but not a lot as it's not her specialty. She also confirmed with me that I could not be checked for IC until I was pregnant again. :0( I had read that, but it's still disappointing. It'd be nice if I could go see the Dr. and have her check and tell me "Yes I can tell right now that your cervix is weak". Perfect world eh?
Dr. P also confirmed that I would be high risk, which rules out a Midwife or going back to the Low Risk Clinic. I'd be referred to Dr. Igras (my follow up Dr.) or one other Dr. bc they are the only two doctors that specialize in this condition. I'm not sure if she meant near me (my area) or in the entire city. Dr. P told me that Dr. I is an amazing Dr. and when she was ready to have a baby she hoped for her to be her Dr. She said she'd be able to re-assure me and answer any questions I had about an incompetent cervix and the clerage procedure. So I've received yet another rave review about her. I'm starting to look forward to seeing her on the 9th.
It's a lot to think about. I'm not saying the procedure followed by weekly visits, limited bedrest and light lifting is not worth having a baby, I'm just thinking about the strain that is going to put on my marriage (once the stitches go in, even once I get pg, no more sex until I have the baby and heal), the chance of infertility from them or even the chance that they could do the procedure and I could still mis-carry.
The thing is, no one can tell me it's going to be ok next time. I need to get comfortable with the idea of being pg again and the chance I could lose our baby again. It's hard to face that unknown. I could say I'm not going to blog here anymore, but I'm finding it therapeutic so I might have a few more entries if I need to.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Eleven Days Later...
I thought as time went on, things were suppose to get better right? It's been Elven days since I mis-carried (Oct. 28th) and I find things are harder each day, not easier. I've been trying to keep busy with cleaning, crafting and playing with N, but then it gets dark and I lay in bed, Owen asleep, staring at the ceiling asking myself the same questions over and over again.
Two nights ago as I laid there I thought I heard a baby crying. I woke owen, asked him and he said what? I'm like do you hear that dog howling? He stopped breathing, listened and said no. As soon as he said no though, I heard it again and convinced myself it was a baby crying. /sigh I hate night time.
We met with friends for dinner tonight. The same friends who owen blurted out to that we mis-carried and shocked them. After dinner when the boys went down to the basement to play darts, I talked to T about things. I'm still self-diagnosing myself with something (IC) that I do not even know for a fact that I have. I guess it makes me feel better to know there might be a reason? But at the same time if it is the cause, the 'solution' and subsequent dominio effect it will cause if we TTC again depress me.
She did offer some in-sight that no one else has yet. When I said I knew 5 ppl who were due between April 1 and May 30th and I did not know how I was going to handle that, she suggested (taking Owen's side) that perhaps if I did go ahead and get preg. before then, I'd be more comfortable and better able to accept those births then if I just thought about my baby each time one of them had their baby. I certainly am not angry they are pregnant, I know even if they were not, the month of April would/is going to make me sad either way.
Our friend mis-carried at 13w and she 'jumped right back in' and was pg 2m later.
It's been 11 days. I need to be calm and patient like Owen. He's quite content to wait until the 9th of Dec. and see what Dr. I says. I can't help but to be overly emotional about everything. It's my nature.
Two nights ago as I laid there I thought I heard a baby crying. I woke owen, asked him and he said what? I'm like do you hear that dog howling? He stopped breathing, listened and said no. As soon as he said no though, I heard it again and convinced myself it was a baby crying. /sigh I hate night time.
We met with friends for dinner tonight. The same friends who owen blurted out to that we mis-carried and shocked them. After dinner when the boys went down to the basement to play darts, I talked to T about things. I'm still self-diagnosing myself with something (IC) that I do not even know for a fact that I have. I guess it makes me feel better to know there might be a reason? But at the same time if it is the cause, the 'solution' and subsequent dominio effect it will cause if we TTC again depress me.
She did offer some in-sight that no one else has yet. When I said I knew 5 ppl who were due between April 1 and May 30th and I did not know how I was going to handle that, she suggested (taking Owen's side) that perhaps if I did go ahead and get preg. before then, I'd be more comfortable and better able to accept those births then if I just thought about my baby each time one of them had their baby. I certainly am not angry they are pregnant, I know even if they were not, the month of April would/is going to make me sad either way.
Our friend mis-carried at 13w and she 'jumped right back in' and was pg 2m later.
It's been 11 days. I need to be calm and patient like Owen. He's quite content to wait until the 9th of Dec. and see what Dr. I says. I can't help but to be overly emotional about everything. It's my nature.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
The Bed Transition
So far so good. Her first couple of nights in her twin bed she cried for a few mins after we left the room but since then she's been good. She will lay/sit in there and babble still just like she did in her crib. Surprisingly she does not get out of her bed once we put her in it. The first night she got out around 2am and came to our room, but Owen shuffled her back to her bed and that was the end (so far) of night wanderings.
With all that is has happened, somewhere in between all of it we were able to get our Image CD from Lulu from our Photo session at Fish Creek Park back in September. The photos turned out really good considering how un-cooperative Tash was. We managed to get a few family photos, one that we'll put up on the wall. Since we did not get many, we've been calling the session "Natasha turns 2! Almost.." heh
When I find the time, I'll upload and post some. :0)
With all that is has happened, somewhere in between all of it we were able to get our Image CD from Lulu from our Photo session at Fish Creek Park back in September. The photos turned out really good considering how un-cooperative Tash was. We managed to get a few family photos, one that we'll put up on the wall. Since we did not get many, we've been calling the session "Natasha turns 2! Almost.." heh
When I find the time, I'll upload and post some. :0)
My Husband's an idiot.
/sigh Last night I was having a rough go of it, so I decided to take a hot bath. I knew that was going to be close to impossible as we have a small water tank so I'd not get as much of a "hot" bath as I wanted.
I'm just climbing into the bath when he comes in with natasha and announces "So I called Geoff and Trina, they've invited us over on Saturday at 4pm. Oh and I told them you mis-carried". This is where he's an idiot. This is where I lost it. We had not even told them I was pregnant. The last time we saw them was back in August when we all went camping. I was super early and we had not told anyone yet so chose not to share with them as well as a few other couples that were there.
I was upset because I'm sure he probably schocked Geoff by just blurting out "Hey Shelley Mis-carried" and secondly, after he tells Trina, they are then going to go "Hmm we did not even know they were pg" and I feel bad now that we did not tell them. I'm also upset because they were at least ONE couple/set of friends that did NOT know so I could have actually went there on Saturday and relaxed, not worried about them being nervous or wondering what to say.
After I cried for a good 15 mins I apologized, he apologized and we were ok I guess. I can't really blame him, he has no clue who knows and who didn't know I was pregnant. I explained to him that the calgary girls only knew bc I could not hide it and I told my mom, bc well it's my mom! Once he thought about it, he realized that "yeah we have not seen them in a long time have we?".
sigh. It's got to get easier.
I'm just climbing into the bath when he comes in with natasha and announces "So I called Geoff and Trina, they've invited us over on Saturday at 4pm. Oh and I told them you mis-carried". This is where he's an idiot. This is where I lost it. We had not even told them I was pregnant. The last time we saw them was back in August when we all went camping. I was super early and we had not told anyone yet so chose not to share with them as well as a few other couples that were there.
I was upset because I'm sure he probably schocked Geoff by just blurting out "Hey Shelley Mis-carried" and secondly, after he tells Trina, they are then going to go "Hmm we did not even know they were pg" and I feel bad now that we did not tell them. I'm also upset because they were at least ONE couple/set of friends that did NOT know so I could have actually went there on Saturday and relaxed, not worried about them being nervous or wondering what to say.
After I cried for a good 15 mins I apologized, he apologized and we were ok I guess. I can't really blame him, he has no clue who knows and who didn't know I was pregnant. I explained to him that the calgary girls only knew bc I could not hide it and I told my mom, bc well it's my mom! Once he thought about it, he realized that "yeah we have not seen them in a long time have we?".
sigh. It's got to get easier.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Incompetent Cervix.
So, now that my head has cleared and I'm coming out of the fog, I've been reviewing what took place in the 48hrs+ I was at the hospital. The one thing that stands out for me is something the Gyne said she came in to check me at around 4am.
I wonder if you have an incompetent cervix? It happened so fast, I'm wondering if this might be the cause.
My waters broke at 10pm, I'd been having what I thought were Braxton Hicks since around 6pm and at 7pm I had been able to get a really strong heartbeat from baby of 150-155. My waters breaking is also something that really kind of points in this direction, the weight of baby was essentially causing me to dilate and go into labour. Imagine, 4oz of baby able to open and dilate my cervix. I just can't comprehend that.
I did not really ask many questions at the time, I was not in the right frame of mind, but now that I'm home, feeling a bit better, I want answers that just a couple of days ago I did not think I'd ever have. I'm disappointed though that I do not remember what this Gyne/OB said her name was, I only remember what she looked like.
I have though obtained the number at PLC for chart management so that I can get a copy of my chart. Everyone that saw me while I was there and did any sort of thing to me should have made note on my chart and signed/initialed it. The next question is, how legible will it be? My discharge papers say to call Dr. Igras for a f/u in 4-6w but I have no memory of seeing her? My Dr. that I saw at 12am (times are clear to me bc they always seem to do stuff to me on the exact hour - blood withdraws, blood pressure checks) was Dr. Iwanicki, not Dr. Igras. So is Dr. Ig the 4am person? /sigh
The other frustrating part is that I had none of the previous 'symptoms/causes' that would have made my have an incompetent cervix. I have been told and through a bit more searching have learned that my first pregnancy could have caused the weakening.
What can I do? Well it can be detected in early pregnancy. They check your cervix (something not routinely done during pg bc it does not occur frequently, plus my Dr. had no reason to believe it was a problem for me, I was spotting brown, but that can be 'normal'). and if it's stretching, you then get to have a clerage done at 14-16w. Then at 36-38w they take out the stitches.
If you are diagnosed after a second trimester loss or prior to pregnancy it is suspected that you will have problems with the strength of your cervix, a cerclage (stitching the cervix closed) can be performed prophylactically at approximately 14-16 weeks. It is said that the earlier you have the cerclage performed the more likely the pregnancy is to continue.
So I guess what I'm getting to, is that whoever that Gyne was at 4am, she could very well have saved me many loses if I do indeed have an incompetent cervix. Somehow it makes me feel better to have what could be an answer.
I wonder if you have an incompetent cervix? It happened so fast, I'm wondering if this might be the cause.
My waters broke at 10pm, I'd been having what I thought were Braxton Hicks since around 6pm and at 7pm I had been able to get a really strong heartbeat from baby of 150-155. My waters breaking is also something that really kind of points in this direction, the weight of baby was essentially causing me to dilate and go into labour. Imagine, 4oz of baby able to open and dilate my cervix. I just can't comprehend that.
I did not really ask many questions at the time, I was not in the right frame of mind, but now that I'm home, feeling a bit better, I want answers that just a couple of days ago I did not think I'd ever have. I'm disappointed though that I do not remember what this Gyne/OB said her name was, I only remember what she looked like.
I have though obtained the number at PLC for chart management so that I can get a copy of my chart. Everyone that saw me while I was there and did any sort of thing to me should have made note on my chart and signed/initialed it. The next question is, how legible will it be? My discharge papers say to call Dr. Igras for a f/u in 4-6w but I have no memory of seeing her? My Dr. that I saw at 12am (times are clear to me bc they always seem to do stuff to me on the exact hour - blood withdraws, blood pressure checks) was Dr. Iwanicki, not Dr. Igras. So is Dr. Ig the 4am person? /sigh
The other frustrating part is that I had none of the previous 'symptoms/causes' that would have made my have an incompetent cervix. I have been told and through a bit more searching have learned that my first pregnancy could have caused the weakening.
What can I do? Well it can be detected in early pregnancy. They check your cervix (something not routinely done during pg bc it does not occur frequently, plus my Dr. had no reason to believe it was a problem for me, I was spotting brown, but that can be 'normal'). and if it's stretching, you then get to have a clerage done at 14-16w. Then at 36-38w they take out the stitches.
If you are diagnosed after a second trimester loss or prior to pregnancy it is suspected that you will have problems with the strength of your cervix, a cerclage (stitching the cervix closed) can be performed prophylactically at approximately 14-16 weeks. It is said that the earlier you have the cerclage performed the more likely the pregnancy is to continue.
So I guess what I'm getting to, is that whoever that Gyne was at 4am, she could very well have saved me many loses if I do indeed have an incompetent cervix. Somehow it makes me feel better to have what could be an answer.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Time for a new Bed.
After a couple months of searching through various online stores and in person, we finally found a bed for Tash. I just happened to check Kjijiji.ca at the right time and found a beautiful dark stained sleigh bed. It had been up since Oct. 16th so I figure it was gone but emailed anyway. Lucky us, she still had it. I said we'd buy it just in time as over the next 24hrs they recieved 8 more calls/emails from ppl asking/wanting it.
It was an awesome deal - $500 for the frame/head/foot board, the mattress and the boxspring. Plus she threw in a coverlet, 3 sets of sheets and a super super soft blanket. It only took use about 15 mins to assemble and I have to say it's of awesome quality. Tash immediately wanted up on it. After jumping on it for a few mins, she decided to lay down and gaze out the window. heh
I like to think we got a good deal. Most of the better quality beds we looked at (Leon's, Sears, The Bay, Costco, IKEA) started out at $400 just for the frame alone. It was another 300+ for a mattress and boxspring. We told her this afternoon she has to keep the bed until she leaves home. :p
It was an awesome deal - $500 for the frame/head/foot board, the mattress and the boxspring. Plus she threw in a coverlet, 3 sets of sheets and a super super soft blanket. It only took use about 15 mins to assemble and I have to say it's of awesome quality. Tash immediately wanted up on it. After jumping on it for a few mins, she decided to lay down and gaze out the window. heh
I like to think we got a good deal. Most of the better quality beds we looked at (Leon's, Sears, The Bay, Costco, IKEA) started out at $400 just for the frame alone. It was another 300+ for a mattress and boxspring. We told her this afternoon she has to keep the bed until she leaves home. :p
One day at a Time.
I've made a private post about our loss, but parts are a bit graphic so I'm not going to make it public. I don't want to scare anyone. :0(
Owen and I doing ok. Small things make me cry right now. Random photo on our gallery of me pg with Tash, cleaning out the Bugaboo transport bag today and finding the bunny I bought in France for new baby, sometimes Natasha, the thought of me not being pg anymore, the thought of so many other ppl I know that are pg right now, the thought of a crib bedding set on it's way to me that I bought before we went to France..the thought of how I'm going to feel come April 09, the knowledge that I may never know what exactly went wrong. That's the toughest right there. Not knowing the "why" and now that I've had a few days, not knowing if we had a little girl or a little boy.
We are both still happy with our decision not to see her. I don't think I would be sleeping well at night if I had. Some do want to see, but I just did not have the strength nor did Owen. He said he almost did, but in the end he turned away just as she went to lift him around to cover him.
Today surprisingly was a better day. Owen and I could actually talk seriously about things w/o joking. We both can actually see TTC again in our future. "Luckily" for me, it was not 'dramatic' as far as delivering her could have been.
I'm just going to leave this blog for a while. I could fill pages with my feelings, but I don't think right now that's going to help me feel better about the situation.
Owen and I doing ok. Small things make me cry right now. Random photo on our gallery of me pg with Tash, cleaning out the Bugaboo transport bag today and finding the bunny I bought in France for new baby, sometimes Natasha, the thought of me not being pg anymore, the thought of so many other ppl I know that are pg right now, the thought of a crib bedding set on it's way to me that I bought before we went to France..the thought of how I'm going to feel come April 09, the knowledge that I may never know what exactly went wrong. That's the toughest right there. Not knowing the "why" and now that I've had a few days, not knowing if we had a little girl or a little boy.
We are both still happy with our decision not to see her. I don't think I would be sleeping well at night if I had. Some do want to see, but I just did not have the strength nor did Owen. He said he almost did, but in the end he turned away just as she went to lift him around to cover him.
Today surprisingly was a better day. Owen and I could actually talk seriously about things w/o joking. We both can actually see TTC again in our future. "Luckily" for me, it was not 'dramatic' as far as delivering her could have been.
I'm just going to leave this blog for a while. I could fill pages with my feelings, but I don't think right now that's going to help me feel better about the situation.
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