It's official.

I'm obsessed. I can't stop going to this site and looking at how big the baby is. If I was not keeping this whole thing a secret I would have already put the ticker on my side bar. It's funny how the first time I put it on there I did so flippantly, like nothing was going to happen, that I could watch babe grow. I can't even remember removing it, more things that happened during the 'haze'.

I finally figured out yesterday that my lack of sleep since finding out I was pregnant is not just worries about the cerclage, but more about losing the baby again. It's a very fine line of excitement, joy and anticipation bordering on absolute terrifying fear. I try to keep in my mind each day that first reaction I had when I saw that faint faint line appear on the stick. It keeps me going really.

My doctor's appointment is on Wednesday and I'm scared. Owen will not be going with me bc it's at 5.30pm and he won't get home in time for us to make the apt. So I go this one on my own. Not that he goes to all my appointments, but I know this is a big one. She'll be talking to me about the surgery. Dr. E, from what I remember is a very kind and understanding doctor, but it's not the doctor that has be worried, it's the being awake for the cerclage, getting my lower half numbed, feeling tugging and pulling, having a cathedar, how crazy long 20 mins is going to seem in the OR while I lay there wanting it to go by quickly.

I get that a people would deal with the minor discomfort I'll probably feel just to be pregnant, but that doesn't mean I can't have my own fears right?

The other thing is...I've been very good at ignoring the test results from my m/c. Shortly after delivering the baby, a counselor came in to see us and one of the many questions was if we wanted an autopsy/pathology report done. We both said yes, but I'm beginning to wonder if it was more for the questions to end and for her to leave then anything.

I could have had the reports retrieved and discussed them at my follow-up on Dec. 6th with Dr. Igras, but I conveniently forgot. Umm yeah. Then when I took N to our family Doctor for her 2 yr check up I mentioned it to him and he said he would get them sent to his office and have his receptionist call me when they got them. He said he'd have them by the following day. No one called and I did not call to check up on things.

So now in 3 days I'm going to see the Doctor who delivered my baby and whie I'm not sure if the topic of the reports will come up without me mentioning it, how can I really ignore it any longer? It's been 6 months. I think it's time to face it. The only thing that worries me is that they were able to learn of her gender. I did not think they could, but I read an IF blog yesterday and she found out, and her baby was younger then my baby - 8w. I have no idea though if that is something they always test or not.

Also, do I really want to know? If I find out and it's the opposite gender of what I'm carrying now, will I feel the loss even more strongly? So the realy question I have to ask myself is, can I live with the unknown, of never knowing or is it the last thing I need to find out to completely heal?