Well, now that we are in agreement...

I had my 2nd doctor's appointment today with Dr. E. The good news is I discovered that there is 'free' customer parking (that is also covered!) right next to the building, max of 2 hours, which some days might be iffy. :P So that brightened my mood that I did not have to pay for parking, however, when I got to her office I learned she was 'running behind, so instead of seeing her at 11:45, I did not get into the exam room until 12.30 and then waited another 15 minutes.

First off, we finally came to agreement on my due date, or at least close enough that I'm not going to squabble about it anymore. Last visit she had me at Nov. 28th and I mentioned to her that it did not sound right to me. She told me to 'never mind' and I could talk to Dr. E when she came in (this was the assistant). Anyway, it did not get resolved. This visit I go in, I mention it again to Dr. E and she goes, well your FDLP was March 7th right. And I go yes, but if you use that date for the "wheel" it's NOT Nov. 28th, it's Dec. 12th. I think your assistant looked at the wheel wrong. So this then turned into her checking my u/s results, comparing the 5w1d it said I was 2w ago, confirming yesterday's it said 7w and then looking at the wheel again. Oiy. How HARD is it to just go by Ovulation?!? We finally got in agreement on Dec. 12th and I go "close enough I O on the 19th CD so my number is close enough to that" and Dr. E says "Oh well we allow for 3-4 days of error. /major eye roll

It sounds silly to argue over it, but if this baby stays in there and I go over due, it's going to make a big difference for when they start pushing me about being induced.

She then started chatting about the u/s and how I should not worry at all if I did not see a heartbeat or the fetal pole, as it was really too early for that two weeks ago. I told her that I was not too worried but that I had went in for a follow up u/s yesterday, got to see the heartbeat and a baby that was about the size of a lentil. :0) She seemed relieved that I had seen the heartbeat and went on to tell me that they just had to make sure it was a 'viable' pregnancy before they scheduled anything.

She mentioned that an u/s was necessary that early on to confirm dates for the cerclage and that's when I spoke up and mentioned how my husband and I had discussed it at great length, I'd talked to other ppl who have a weakened cervix and had reached the decision that I'd rather wait, see how things go and not have the cerclage done.

She seemed pretty ok with that. She mentioned that she did not blame me for not wanting to do it, as there is no study that has proven that those who have the stitch done carry their baby longer then those that do not have it done. I'd be interested in reading the statistics on that though. I could be interesting.

We discussed how I would be pro-active - if I did start spotting/bleeding I'd not ignore it, I would head to ER and let them know I was spotting and explain about my weakened cervix and how it would need to be checked. She has decided the u/s's every 2w might be a bit excessive and while we will still 'check in' once in a while, she does not deem it necessary for me to go every 2w. She also said she'd check my cervix as well every few visits.

I was relieved she agreed with me, but then she mentioned if I did not want to do that, then she'd like to recommend I take a pill (2 actually) and insert them once a day in my vagina. (ha) Apparently studies have proven that in women who have experienced losses, it helps them. She named what drug it was, but I can't spell it for the life of me and she did not give me a 'script for it at this appointment. Maybe the next one?

She asked about the nuchal transluency u/s and if I wanted it done. I've been mulling it over for a few weeks now and part of me does not want to do it. I had it done with both my last pregnancies, but this time around I have this fear that bc I could not carry to term this last time, that I can this time but there is something wrong with the baby. Crazy thoughts, but they are there. Anywho, we talked it over, she gave me a brief overview on a positive and negative score (which I was familar with, but have to say I appreciate her explaining it out, as my complaint last time was feeling rushed in and out) and in the end I decided to do it again. I got booked for June 3rd.

And that was pretty much the end of the appointment. I'll see her again in 3 weeks to check in on things, at which time she should be able to hear the heartbeat. I'm hoping to try out my doppler at home at around 12w so if I can get a bit of re-assurance, although the night I mis-carried last fall I still was able to find a heartbeat at 7pm that night. :0(

As for me, today marks 7w1d and I'm grouchy and tired. I have trouble even wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I nap in the afternoons when Tash naps, but the last 3 days the neighbour has let his dog out at 3.30pm and it proceeds to bark for the next 45 mins until he lets it back in again. Last night he let it out at 1am! for an hour. Owen and I were ready to go over and have a "chat" with them. gah! Don't they realize there is a grumpy old tired pregnant woman next door who could lose it at any moment?? :P

In short, I sleep, eat, be grumpy and generally do not want to hang out with people. More so because I'm not ready to share that I'm pregnant and I'm starting to get a belly which is getting harder to hide. It should be my first clue that I should share the news with friends, but I'm just not comfortable to do so yet.

Houston, we have a heartbeat!

I had my 2nd of I'm sure many u/s's this morning at the EFW Clinic. I'll admit that I did not really like this tech as much as I did the one last time, but unfortunately I can't pick them sooo... She was nice enough, just a bit of a no-personality and a bit rough with the "magic wand" which I had the pleasure of using again because I fell under the 8w mark. /grumble She also seemed a bit bothered that I came in so "early" 2w ago, and said it in a way to underly that no wonder we did not see the fetal pole. I nicely explained that I have a weakened cervix and my doctor wanted to be 100% sure on dating for the cerclage surgery. I did not get into the fact that I don't plan to have it done now. She has no clue what IC is (and I don't expect her to) so she just sort of shrugged me off and started checking out baby.

Anywho, all went well, baby is measuring right at 7w as my charting has indicated and I saw a wee wee flicker of the heartbeat, beating at a lovely 131 bpm. Baby is about the size of a lentil right now, but it was neat to see more then just a dot on the screen like I did last time I was there 2w ago.

Surprise Surprise

Dr. Eckwalanga's Office just called me, at my u/s 2w ago they were unable to find the fetal pole. Wiki describes it as such (because while I had an idea of it, I had no idea really exactly what it was)

The fetal pole is a thickening on the margin of the yolk sac of a fetus during pregnancy. It is usually identified at 6.5 weeks with abdominal ultrasound imaging, and 6 weeks with vaginal ultrasound imaging. However it is quite normal for the fetal pole to not be visible until about 8 weeks. The fetal pole may be seen at 2-4 mm crown-rump length (CRL), and heart motion is often detected when it is seen. In the embryo, the heartbeat is seen as a regular flutter, which should be first evident at 5 mm CRL. If the embryo is less than 5 mm CRL, it is possible for it to be healthy without showing a heartbeat, though a follow up study in 5-7 days will almost always demonstrate the heartbeat.

So it's not exactly that big of a surprise that at 5w1d they were not able to see it. Really all the u/s showed was a sac with a dot in it. So, because they need to know if I am really pregnant (ha!) they have booked a 2nd u/s to be done, which is on Wednesday at 9.45am. I will be exactly 7w on Wednesday, so it's still a possibility that a fetal pole won't be seen or the heartbeat. sigh

I'm pretty sure it was booked without consulting me first bc they wanted me to get in as soon as possible (I have another apt with Dr. Eckwalanga Thursday morning), and perhaps because Dr. E is still under the impression I want the stitch done, which has to be done/scheduled soon, but at the same time, it's kind of annoys me as it really does not fit into 'my' schedule.

Wednesdays are Owen's busiest day of the week, he has his weekly meeting that morning, tons of paperwork and then another meeting in the afternoon, so it's a hectic day for him. I can't take Tash with me as they do not allow her to come in with me unsupervised, so that means I need to find a sitter or Owen needs to be home.

I just called to see if he could stay home and he seemed cool with it. We are still not telling anyone, so he's just going to tell his boss that I have a Doctor's apt that morning that I can't take Tash to. If worse comes to worse he'll spill the beans, but he's hoping not to.

The next issue is that I had in my calendar to go to the zoo on Wednesday morning with friends. One is from out of town, so it's been planned for a couple of weeks now. I'm positive it's going to raise suspsion if I do not go. The easiest thing would be to just tell everyone I'm pregnant, but I'm still not ready to yet.

I plan to tell Dr. Eckwalanga on Thursday that we've decided not to have the stitch put in and I'm actually quite nervous about doing so. She was not pushy about it last time, was rather non-chalant actually in her demeanour. All she said to me was "If Dr. Igras recommended it and you want the stitch put in, they I will gladly book the surgery". There was no "You have to have this done". So I'm hoping she will be ok with it when I say I've changed my mind.

Like I've mentioned to Owen in the past few weeks, I was really hard on myself in Amsterdam/Paris, lifting/lugging Tash, walking 6+ hours a day, escalators, stairs etc. Now that we know what is wrong I can be super pro-active about it.

Sad today.

I feel sad this afternoon. While I'm battling with myself that I'm only 6w pregnant, at the same time I keep asking myself just how long I will be pregnant? Will this really be a December baby? Am I going to be able to stay pregnant long enough to make this a 'viable' pregnancy and give my baby a good chance of survival if I were to go into labour earlier then Dec. 16th?

I stupidly signed up for some classes this fall. I figured I should be ok right? I drive there, walk 5 mins to class then sit on my arse for 3 hrs. Now I'm wondering will I even make it through the classes or will I go into labour early and fail them and have to take them again??

Just one of those days I guess. I wish Owen was home, I'd like to talk to him and get a hug of re-assurance that everything is going to go ok this time around. I'm just so scared. We talked a bit last night and have pretty much decided that if this pregnancy fails, we won't be TTC again, this is it. I just don't think I could handle a 2nd loss.

One more week down..

Six weeks today. :D Another week under my belt. yay! The next question is, when will I stop checking the TP for blood when I wipe?

Belly Bands, Yay or Nay?

My belly bands finally arrived today and I'm not quite sure how I feel about them. It feels a bit odd to not fasten up my pants. :p They are also super wide, which I'm sure will come in handy when my belly is bigger, but right now it's a bit annoying to fold them down correctly. I think it's something I'm not going to appreciate until later on when I have a bigger belly.

Re: Cerclage. I'm still heavily leaning towards not having it done. I've started to write down questions for Dr. Eckwalanga to ask at my next appointment. She may bring up something that changes my mind, but at this point, I'm pretty much on the side of not having the stitch put in.

This could be stupid.

Since seeing Dr. Eckwalanga I've been perfectly fine with my decision to go ahead and have the stitch done..until tonight. I have actually started to re-consider it. Owen and I were talking, and I put a lot of un-due stress on myself last fall when we were in Amsterdam and Paris. I was doing 6+ hours of walking a day, lugging Tash around, lugging her stroller, going up and down stairs and escalators and really not giving myself a break at all.

So what if this time around I did more resting, more off my feet, no lifting, not lugging, put my feet up..Could it make a difference? I guess the thing that just really hit home about the whole thing is Dr. Eckwalanga being very honest when she said "putting in this stitch will not prevent labour". You see, a little over 6m ago, in my grieve, I did some googling and I thought that by having the stitch in, it would prevent labour. I knew it stregthened my cervix, but I assumed foolishly that it would also prevent labour.

Now that I've had a few days since my appointment to digest everything, I'm wondering how much having the stitch put in will increase my chances of not going into labour again or if the risk will still remain the same? If the stitch goes in and a month labour I go into labour, they will have to take it out and let things progress. So I guess in my thinking, it seems like a waste of resources, extra digging around up there that I don't want happening (there are risks involved) and well, maybe, I could do without it.

My sister's friend has an incompetant cervix and she has had 3 successful pregnancies.

My friend Joanie had similar issues with all 3 of her pg. With her first she was put off work at about 20 odd weeks, not really bed rest but she did have to go every couple weeks to have her cervix measured. She delivered Ethan at about 38 wks. With her 2^nd, Kersten she had contractions from about 20 odd weeks, she was on reduced hours and moderate rest for the pg and delivered her at 35. Then with her 3^rd she had problems beginning at 13 wks and was on bed rest from 20 odd wks until 32 wks – they said she would deliver within days and Payten was born at 38 wks as well. SO…. Nature does what it does and I know that it is stressful.

Sooo she did it w/o the stitch, if I just relax and take it easy, perhaps it would all work out for me too?

I have my follow up with Dr. Eckwalanga to review my u/s results on the 27th. I talk to her more in depth about it then.

Love EFW

For my last pregnancy I went to EFW for the NT scan and told everyone how nice they all are there. Another friend also went there for her u/s and said the same. So this time around I was hoping I'd receive a nice Tech again and I did. She was kind, a bit chatty while she took measurements and super nice.

The results are... 1 Sac, 1 baby. phew eh? Owen was starting to get my paranoid with all his twin talk! No heartbeat though. It's still too early. :0( She said that Dr. E would have the results by Monday at the lastest so I'll call tomorrow morning to see about getting an apt. She also said that Dr. E may send me back again for another u/s just to make sure things are progressing. Oh and my Ovulation date is 100% correct. :D I'm just a touch over 5w pg. 5w1d to be exact. :)

I also got to see/use the 'magic wand'. Oh happy happy joy joy. :P So not as bad as I thought. It's super long but very tiny and hardly any of it goes in at all. I coul dnot make out a thing when she was using that. She pointed out my ovaries and I was like..un huh...but really I was like "Umm, no clue". hah

I also went into work this morning and talked to K about my schedule. It's been reduced to 2 shifts a week, Sunday 9-noon and Thursday 6-9pm. We'll see how that goes and if it's still too much time on my feet we'll cut it back to 1-3hr shift.

Owen mentioned this morning that I was high-on-activity last time. We spent 2 weeks in Paris/Amsterdam and I spent the whole time lifting/lugging/walking/running. I hardly sat down for a minute the whole time! So this time my motto is lots and lots of rest!

First Doctor's appointment.

Soooo..I went to see Dr. E yesterday. I totally do not remember her at all. She is definitely not the doctor who was on at midnight and checked me, or the same one who delivered the baby the following morning. Since the visit I sort of think she might have been the Doctor who came into my room at 4am to check on things. Not sure though.

She's nice enough, but a couple things that sort of bug me. Where her office is located, there is not any free parking, so I will have to pay each time I visit. Secondly, they have no bathroom in their offices, you have to go down the hallway, pee in the cup (which I seem to remember doing every visit), bring it back and then hold on to it until you are called into the exam room. And on top of that make sure your toddler does not steal it from you and want to play with it, which Natasha did.

She's nice enough though, so no reason to complain really. She did a pap and breast exam while I was there and N of course was face right up there. :P

So these were my options:

1) have the stitch done
2) do not have it done and be monitored every 2w via u/s to try and catch if my cervix starts lengthening, but she could still miss it and an emergency cerclage is not an option.

She also told me a bit of news that surprised me - the cerclage will not stop labour once it stops. I was a but shocked. Not that I thought it would, but I thought that having the stitch would prevent my cervix from lengthening and therefore prevent labour. :P I must have made a face bc she quickly re-assured me that the stitch though could get me to a viable amount of time in my pregnancy.

She reviewed the risks, which I was aware of - chance they could break my waters and a chance of infection. She also said I'd bleed a bit after the surgery.

So her next request was that I get a dating u/s. I called this morning and there was a cancellation so I was able to get in today at 2:15. She said that they probably would have to use the 'magic wand' (no clue what they call it that) but when I booked it through the booking place, she told me that in her experience would would just be a pelvic one for a dating u/s. So I guess we'll see?

Oh Dr. E also wants me off work. I'm not overly pleased with that, so I went in today and cut my shifts back to 2 and 3hrs in length with several days in between each shift. So we'll see how that goes and if that is not working out I'll go on medical leave? Seriously I enjoy my job at GAP and I do not want to give up that interaction or the discount or the small pay cheque.

You know how you get excited

about the possibility that you could be pregnant with a little boy? You go to the fabric store where they have super cool boy patterned flannel, buy some for your SIL (who is definitely having one boy and one girl), bring it home and admire it. :0)

I went to the Sewing Room today to get flannel for receiving blankets to make for my SIL's twins and I actually liked more of what they had for boys then girls. There was definitely some super cute girl stuff, but there was awesome boy stuff as well. Silly department stores that don't carry cool boy patterns!

No more spotting..

so far today. It's not the most lovely of weather conditions out today so I'm hoping N will be happy to just hang out inside while I put my feet up and relax. Maybe I just over did it yesterday? It did not feel like it, but perhaps the 4 hours of standing at work was a bit much? It also got me worried a bit because while I'm 'tired' each day, I'm not deadly fatigued as I was the first week after my BFP and other symptoms seemed to have faded. Plus I took yet another pg test yesterday, a digital, and it seemed to take forever to get the yes++. I am noticing that I have sore boobs today though, so that's re-assuring.

Seriously, I don't think I'm ever going to breath and relax this entire pregnancy.

Small Panic Attack

On my break tonight at work I went to the bathroom and after wiping there was a small brownish red glob on the TP. My first instinct was to not worry about it. Early first trimester spotting right? But the more I thought about it over the last hour of work, the more I compared it to week 15 of my last pg and how I had spotting for a little over a week. And it was not regular spotting of brown blood, it was mucus-y too.

And really, I'm just barely 5w pg, so how much could the baby weigh at this point? I'm pretty sure most pg that end due to a weakened cervix are in T2, never T1. But then I got wondering, with so many twins popping up on O's side of the family, what if I have twins in there?!? eek!

My dr. apt is on wed., just 2 days away so in the meantime I'm going to relax, rest when I can and take it easy. Hopefully it was just some "old" blood expelling the uterus. And like I've said to other people, at this point there is not much they could do anyway, sadly. I am out of pg tests though, used the last one this morning, a digital one, that seemed to take forever to say "yes+".

Bubbles!

After egg hunts, indulging in some chocolate and a trip to the park, we spent a bit of Sunday afternoon doing N's favourite thing, blowing bubbles! I have no idea why her pants are not buttoned or zipped up. hah. I did not even notice until much later when we went inside. Bubble blowing courtesy of daddy. :0) We actually really like the 'wand' for this bubble set bc she can use it as well. She uses it and then usually hands it to us and says "big bubbles mommy!"

It's official.

I'm obsessed. I can't stop going to this site and looking at how big the baby is. If I was not keeping this whole thing a secret I would have already put the ticker on my side bar. It's funny how the first time I put it on there I did so flippantly, like nothing was going to happen, that I could watch babe grow. I can't even remember removing it, more things that happened during the 'haze'.

I finally figured out yesterday that my lack of sleep since finding out I was pregnant is not just worries about the cerclage, but more about losing the baby again. It's a very fine line of excitement, joy and anticipation bordering on absolute terrifying fear. I try to keep in my mind each day that first reaction I had when I saw that faint faint line appear on the stick. It keeps me going really.

My doctor's appointment is on Wednesday and I'm scared. Owen will not be going with me bc it's at 5.30pm and he won't get home in time for us to make the apt. So I go this one on my own. Not that he goes to all my appointments, but I know this is a big one. She'll be talking to me about the surgery. Dr. E, from what I remember is a very kind and understanding doctor, but it's not the doctor that has be worried, it's the being awake for the cerclage, getting my lower half numbed, feeling tugging and pulling, having a cathedar, how crazy long 20 mins is going to seem in the OR while I lay there wanting it to go by quickly.

I get that a people would deal with the minor discomfort I'll probably feel just to be pregnant, but that doesn't mean I can't have my own fears right?

The other thing is...I've been very good at ignoring the test results from my m/c. Shortly after delivering the baby, a counselor came in to see us and one of the many questions was if we wanted an autopsy/pathology report done. We both said yes, but I'm beginning to wonder if it was more for the questions to end and for her to leave then anything.

I could have had the reports retrieved and discussed them at my follow-up on Dec. 6th with Dr. Igras, but I conveniently forgot. Umm yeah. Then when I took N to our family Doctor for her 2 yr check up I mentioned it to him and he said he would get them sent to his office and have his receptionist call me when they got them. He said he'd have them by the following day. No one called and I did not call to check up on things.

So now in 3 days I'm going to see the Doctor who delivered my baby and whie I'm not sure if the topic of the reports will come up without me mentioning it, how can I really ignore it any longer? It's been 6 months. I think it's time to face it. The only thing that worries me is that they were able to learn of her gender. I did not think they could, but I read an IF blog yesterday and she found out, and her baby was younger then my baby - 8w. I have no idea though if that is something they always test or not.

Also, do I really want to know? If I find out and it's the opposite gender of what I'm carrying now, will I feel the loss even more strongly? So the realy question I have to ask myself is, can I live with the unknown, of never knowing or is it the last thing I need to find out to completely heal?

Nine Months Today

Today is what would have been my due date for my 2nd pregnancy. I woke up feeling ok with the day. The toddler let us all sleep in until 9am, which was a surprise and then I spent the morning cleaning, painting and sprucing up the backyard a bit. :0)

It was just like every other day, like I should not have been 9m pg or possibly going into labour. While it concerns me that at some point in the next few days it going to hit me hard at the worse possible time, I'm also taking this as a good sign that perhaps I've finally healed, I'm finally ready to move on. Not forget what happened or forget my wee babe that is in heavens arms, but be in a better place emotionally, able to finally move on with things.

Such a Lazy arse. :P

Yesterday N and I woke up around 7.30am and lounged in bed until O got home from work (he had to go in to make sure a video conference went through ok). I was actually not expecting him until lately so was a bit happy to see him home. I went to the kitchen and made N breakfast then retreated to the front room and that is where my ass sat until around 1pm when I decided I'd try taking a nap. The nap failed but I remained in bed until 8pm, reading, surfing the net etc.

I pried myself out of my butt indent in the mattress to wander downstairs and catch up on some shows before returning to bed at 10pm and going to sleep.

Practice for bedrest that might be in my future??

must.stop.viewing.

loss videos and reading loss blogs. They make me cry so much and also make me wish I'd looked at our baby when s/he was born. This one I found purely accidently while reading an IF blog.

Myles Lee Anderson

You can read her blog here. And while I'm at it, here is another blog I found recently over at Infertility Blows that is a good read - Conceive This!

I've said it before and I'll probably continue to say it, it's simply amazing that something they warn you so much about growing up "only takes one time" does not really happen that way for a lot of ppl in reality. The same with loss. It's not until a friend experiences it, or you do, do you realize just how "common" loss seems to be. :0(

Minor meltdown.

I took my 3rd test 2 days ago and got another ++ so I figured I really am pg and decided to call Dr. Igras's office.

I called, explained the situation and was told that Dr. Igras is on vacation until the end of April and the earliest they could get me in was June 9th. Well I'm 4w2d pg and that would be too late. The OR needs to be booked and the surgery needs to be done no later then 14w. So I explain again that there should be a note on my file to get me in to see her ASAP and am told there is a note, but it just mentions the stitch and again I'm told I can't get in until June 9th. I ask her to book it for me and then in May I'd call back and talk to Dr. Igras, bc I was sure she'd squeeze me in somewhere. She repeats again about there being no space, clearly not hearing that the viability of my pg is dependent on having this surgery done.

This is where I start to freak out and almost cry. She then argues with me that I'm really 5w according to my first day of my last period, which I try to explain is wrong, I ovulated on CD19, not CD14 etc but she insisted. (exaggerated eye roll) She then says to me that Dr. E checked me in at the hospital that night and that I should call her office. So I get the number, hang up and start to lose it. I call Owen in tears and he calms me down enough for me to call Dr. E's office.

I then explain my situation again, get put on hold and when she comes back the receptionist tells me that Dr. E can see me on Wed. at 5.30pm. Relief! I just about fainted I was so happy. I seriously was in tears and panic-ing that I was going to lose this baby bc they could not get me in to see the Doctor. So thankfully Dr. E will see me soon and I vaguely remember her from that night. She saw me when she just came on duty and delivered the baby that morning. She looks really young, had a gentle voice and according to my husband was "hawt".

Probably too early

to be buying stuff......... We were at a playdate last Saturday and she was wearing the wrap top we both have. I commented how when I wore mine it really drove me crazy that it would 'gape' in the back. She said that her belly band really helped with that gaping. I did not wear a belly band when I was pg with N, mostly bc I did not get the whole 'wonderful' thing about them and I figured they would make me itchy. Anything on my belly made me itch so I figured these would be the same.

Anywho, I decided to give them a shot this time so I did not have to start wearing mat pants so soon. I got one the same as her, Dottilicious and then Jolie Fleur and solid pink. The Black dot one is on sale atm;

Hopefully I like them and my weight gain won't go right to my ass, which would mean these won't work with my regular jeans. heh

While out yesterday, I popped into Bobebe and they happened to have in a full stock of JuJu Be's - betweens, BeAlls, Prepared and some Be Quicks. No Be Major though. I phoned my husband up, did a little more pleading of my case and ended up leaving the store with this beautiful new Diaper Bag;



It's so lovely in real life. I was debating between (ha) this pattern and Cherry Lemonade. However, my PBB bag is red and very girly so I decided this one would make O more apt to not mind lugging it around and I also felt that while it does have white on it, that it would not show the dirt as much as Cherry Lemonade. I still love that pattern and I think a bit later on I'll get it in the Be Major.

I accomplished what I set out to do in a round about way, be excited about this pg and not worry that something is going to happen. Trust me, every time I lift N I worry that I'm hurting the baby, each time I pick up something I wonder if it is weakening my cervix more. How much is too heavy to left? Should I be walking less? Nap more? Should I spend my days doing very little activity??

This is my 3rd pg so it has to be weaker now then it was for the 2nd pg right? Instead of dwelling on these things, I've been thinking about what a great big sister N will make, how wonderful it will be to get the baby furniture out of the closet in the basement and into the bedroom, how great it is to have an OBGYN who is a specialist and one of the best in her field for doing a Cerclage and of course looking at things I'd like to buy when I know the gender...what an awesome time it will be at cmas to bring a wee babe in to the world, how exciting it will be if the babe is born on cmas eve or my bday! Every little thing helps.

Fourth time the charm..

When I failed to get pg last cycle the whole idea of skipping this cycle bc of a possible cmas day baby did not sit well with me. First of all, who really cares when the heck your baby is born as long as you have a healthy pregnancy that results in the birth of a full term baby? Secondly, it was starting to wear on me that we were approaching 10m of TTC. Yes I got pregnant back in July, however I m/c'd, so in my head I should either a) be 8.5m pregnant or already pregnant again.

So after peeing on 3 more sticks and my period showing up to confirm that I was indeed not pregnant, I had a chat with Owen. I told him I did not care if the baby was born on cmas eve/day or my bday, all I cared about was that I could get pg again and carry the babe to full term. I also felt that since I ovulated 'on time' that failed cycle, that my body was back to normal and also felt that this was my 'month'. It actually did not take any convincing, he was agreeable to it. He's seen how stressed and upset I've been over the past few months over the entire situation, not being pg, not 'easily' getting pg again and hearing about other ppl being pg (his sister and aunt are both pg with twins) and other babies being born. Plus my due date is just a mere 6 days away, another depressing thing.

Anyway, we decided to go for it and needless to say, when I peed on the stick on Saturday and saw this faint line appear, I blinked 3 or 4xs before I ran into the bedroom, jumped on the bed and stuck the test under Owen's nose. He stared at it for a minute and was like "I don't know why you are grinning like that, I don't see anything". After pointing to the 2nd line which was getting a teeny bit darker, he finally saw it and smiled.

With the joy comes a bit of worry, anxiety and sadness. My wee jellybean is a mere 3w4d old and I can speak for both Owen and I when I say we are worried. I'm super happy and if this babe shows up on time (dec. 16th) or Christmas Eve or Day, I don't care, I just want him to stay in there safe and healthy and not want to come out too soon. Right now I'm trying not to think about it.

I need to call Igras and book an apt to see her. She wants me in for an u/s ASAP (hoping we can book it for 7w ish so they do not need to use the vaginal wand!) and then see her afterwards. I have no idea when the surgery will be booked for, my reading says around the 13w mark, so I'm guessing in June sometime?

For now, we are staying hush hush about it and keeping it a secret between us. I have no paranoia about NOT being pregnant, as of yesterday the fatigue hit me like a bag of bricks had been tied to my feet! I remember this vividly when I was pg with Natasha, the afternoon naps, going to bed by 8pm, but I do not remember it during the first trimester with my 2nd pregnancy. I was a bit tired but not like this. I'm wondering if I need to start taking my Iron Supplement again? Perhaps I'm not eating as well as I was last summer?

Counting to 10

Since noticing N could count to ten, I've noticed she is counting everything around her, little people, blocks, shoes, books. Today, to share with my family back east I decided to video her counting to 10. For some reason in the last few days she is now missing 7 (which she was not before), but we are still proud of her! In the 2nd video my camera started to late, but she did say "1" first. :0)