It's a time bomb and it's detonation is anyone's guess. That's how I feel as my weeks in this pregnancy inch along. I feel excited that I'm gaining "ground" in weeks but dreading each week at the same time. Each one means the baby is growing and getting heavier, therefore adding to the weight on my cervix. I'm scared to death to hit the 16w mark and not a day goes by when I go to pee that I do not wipe and check for blood.
I ask myself and I ask Owen a lot why we made this decision to try again, when the chances of my body failing yet again are so high. I feel like I've put a death sentence on my baby. That TTC again and knowing my stupid cervix is weakened I've made a terrible choice for my future child. I've been asking myself today why I would put my baby through this? Why would I go in knowing I could have a premie baby that could cause future complications if s/he survives?
It's such a roller coaster. And my traitorous tummy that is already looking like I'm 18w pregnant. Instead of being happy today I've spent it asking myself how I am going to handle things if this baby does not make it. I feel so morbid when I can't think of the positive.
My nuchal ultrasound is on June 3rd, I'm scared to see the baby. I'm scared that there is going to be something wrong. I tell myself that is a trade off, baby will make it to almost term but something is going to be wrong with him.
I must stop torturing myself.
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