Panty Score - 15

Owen and I decided in our infinite wisdom that it was time to potty train N. She's 2.5 yrs old, can communicate her needs to us clearly (most of the time) and it's summer time, so we can put her in panties and a tshirt or dress, so it seemed like a good enough time to start.

This morning once we all go up we put her in a pair of panties and told her that she was a big girl now and if she had to pee, let us know and we'd go to the potty. So for the rest of the morning O (I worked 9-12) asked her every 15-20 mins if she had to pee. Several times she would say yes, he'd take her to the flush (with potty ring), wait 5-10 mins and then when she did not pee he'd get her off and carry on. Pretty much all morning she would tell him after she peed. By the time I got home around 1pm she had went through 13 pairs of painties.

For her nap we put her in a diaper, then when she woke up we put her back in a pair of panties. We continued to ask her a lot if she had to pee and take her to the potty when she said yes, but still had zero success. Even though I read the first day is the hardest and that you will go through a lot of panties, I was starting to get a bit frustrated, not at her, but just disappointed that she'd not had 1 successful potty attempt.

We'd been trying all day on our flush. Last fall I'd bought her a bjorn potty and when we had her sit on it (with diaper) she freaked, so we figured she did not like it. So in preparation for this today, I bought her a flush ring. She liked it well enough, but her feet could not touch the stool and we worried her legs were getting sore/falling asleep. It never occured to either of us to try the Bjorn potty again.

After supper while Owen was preparing her bath and I was pee'n (haha) she came into the bathroom and did what I could only describe as a pee dance. I asked if she had to pee and she just held her crotch and danced. I said "get on the potty!" but she wouldn't so I ran over and put her on the Bjorn. I read her Panda Bear Panda Bear and when I got her up, she had peed!!!

Owen and I both made a HUGE deal about it and let her carry the bjorn insert to the flush to empty it and then flush the flush. I never thought I'd get so excited over pee. hah

So the game plan is to try for 3-5 days and if at 5 days we are not down to 90% of the time on the potty vs in her panties, we'll wait a couple months and try again.

heh

I was punching names into Name Voyager and put in Natasha's name to see what it came up for sibling names and funnily enough, quite a few of the names on the list are ones I've suggested to Owen as possibilities for this little one.

I've suggested another boy name to Owen, and while he does not love it, he does not hate it, so on the list it goes. So far the girl list is a few names longer then the boy side so this will help even it out. Girl names are so easy to find/think of. Boy names on the other hand, I'm having a harder time coming up with ones that I really like. And if I love the name, it's almost a guarantee that Owen will hate it. Hopefully come July/August we'll be left with just one set of gender names to argue over. :p

1-2-3 JUMP!

Natasha's new "game" is to count to 3, yell jump, and jump off the steps. Of course, she always wants one of us to join her. This morning I managed to get a really cute capture of her in the air. Owen loves the last picture of her landing, he calls it her "ninja stance". hah

Five Vials later

....and still able to walk about of the lab w/o fainting. hah The disadvantage to your OBGYN forgetting to give you a req for pre-natal bloodwork? It resulted in having it done at the same time I did my NT Scan bloodwork done. Of course out of all the people I could have gotten, I get the stern/serious guy.

After checking both arms and rubbing them both vigorously he announced I have very small veins and he would use a butterfly needle. First time for that. In all the times I've given blood I've never had anyone use it. From the literature on the wall it was not any smaller then a regular needle. Maybe the sign is just there to discourage everyone asking for them?

So up next is my nuchal on Wednesday at 3.15pm. This will be the first u/s that Owen will be going to. I'm a bit anxious. I should not be, but I am. Funny how with my first 2 pregnancies I was assured that nothing was wrong, this time though I'm nervous that something is.

Owen is not all that excited about going. I remember the look on his face when he saw Natasha on the screen for the first time, but he was not as excited when we saw baby #2 at the 12w u/s. I'm not upset that he's not excited about it, there really will not be a lot to see and it is the 3rd time...He is excited for the 19w one, since if baby cooperates we hope to find out the gender. I teased him today while we were outside with Tashi that I was going to ask while it was just me and the tech in the room and then not tell him when he came in. :p

Part of me though is starting to have 2nd thoughts about finding out, I'm sort of leaning towards waiting until I deliver, it was sort of fun last time to find out once I delivered vs knowing the whole time. I guess I'll see how I feel come July/August. I think 18/19 weeks (and I'd rather wait until 19/20 so its really visible) is the end of July and we are going to be camping that weekend, so we'll have to wait until the next weekend, which would work out to around Owen's birthday, so that would be a nice birthday gift, to find out if he's going to have a son or another daughter. He's happy either way but I think he'd like a son.

Baby Centre

It's a few days behind and I just received my 'weekly' email update today and it says this on fetal development;

You're getting close to the end of the first trimester. Most of the baby's critical development will be behind you after the next couple of weeks, and the odds of miscarriage will soon drop considerably.

I wish I could take that seriously. I never signed up with babycentre when I was pregnant with Natasha but I did for my 2nd pregnancy, and while it was hard to go in and stop the emails later on, I decided I'd sign up again. I actually look forward to the little 'informational' tidbits each week.

I also decided today I'm going to go with my Doctor's due date (instead of mine by O) because it makes me more pregnant, by a whopping 4 days. :P Silly? Yes. But hey it gives me an extra 4 days towards viability. :D

Must put this in print

as proof. Owen and I were emailing back and fourth today and I emailed him a name choice I had for a middle name if we had a girl. I figured I'd get a flat out 'no' as the name is a bit different but it's grown on me over the past few months. His response however was;

I pick the middle name for a boy (which is obviously going to be his first name)
You pick the middle name for a girl
We have equal say on first names for a boy or girl

Seems fair enough, although I'm still a bit not on board with the whole boy naming situation, as the boy would have his first name PLUS his last name. I think it should give me a bit of leverage for first name choices. :P And he did get his name choice chosen when it came to Natasha.

Still have no names that we both love though as far as first names go. We had our "Switzerland" name choice that was our "fall back" but it's been used in our circle of friends so that one is out the window. Things will be much easier once we know the gender, we can narrow it down to just one set of names.

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I'm 11 weeks today! I am 1 week away from being halfway to baby's viability week (24w), although my goal is to reach 29 first, then 32. Owen and I have talked more about if we'd want our baby resuscitated s/he was born not breathing and we still feel that DNR is what is in our hearts. So while 24w is the earliest baby can be born and still have a good chance of survival, it's not good enough for me and I want to make it further. :0)

In other news, I booked a Boudoir session with the photographer that is doing our family session at the end of June. Should be fun to do at 14w pregnant. :p We've chatted via email and have come up with some ideas that will still be really sexy captures but that do not highlight my pregnant belly. I'm excited!

Holy shit..

So I finally got off my butt and went to the pharmacy to get my Prometrium (sp now correct :P) and just about fell over when she rang up the price for 100 capsules - $130.00! Thanks to Owen's company benefits I did not have to pay a dime, they covered it 100%. phew.

Doctor Visit #3 - May 21

Yay for her not being behind, boo on it taking me forever to find a parking spot. The covered 2hr parking that is beside the clinic was full and as I drove around (did not want to pay!) there were so many "no parking w/o permit" gah. Anywho I need to let it go and accept that parking there is the suck.

So as mentioned, she was closer to being on 'time' this visit. I was called in at 10.20 (apt was for 10) and was out of there by 11am. :0) She asked how I was feeling (irritable, exhausted), we discussed the Permetium (sp?) again and she wrote me a 'script. Apparently she meant to at my last visit but forgot and I was not sure if she wanted me to start taking it then or was bringing it up for me to take later, so I did not remind her. hah

I mentioned about the 'synthetic' vs natural and she said none of them out there are 100% natural and most have something synthetic in them, so I did not push it, did not seem like a really big deal to me.

My blood pressure was fine, I am weighing in at 121lbs and, surprise surprise she was able to find the heartbeat. I was shocked! Wee babe's rate is a whopping 165bpm. :0) Seemed quite early to find it, but hey I'm not complaining.

She also checked my cervix this visit (she plans to check every other visit) and said it was long and closed. The apt ended with her giving me a requisition for my pre-natal bloodwork (oops again and double oops that I forgot it at her offices on the counter). Next appointment will be in 3 weeks - June 2, the day before my Nuchal ultrasound.

Natasha did well this time, probably because we did not wait 2hrs before seeing Dr. E and even got herself weighed. (30lbs).

Overall it was a good visit and while I did not have that instant 'approval' of her like I did with Dr. Igras, she's starting to grow on me. She's kind, gentle and so far I've not felt rushed at all while visiting her. She asks me questions, gives me a chance to ask her questions and all around is just a nice doctor.

Oh, we did talk about goals today. I said I'd like to make it to 32w as I felt that was a good time as the lungs would be developed well by then. She said even as early as 29w would be ok if I went into labour. I explained that while 32w would be great, I hoped to go as long as possible to avoid a length NICU stay or any complications down the road.

She has my DD still at Dec 12 (+/-4d), so if we add 4 it works out to my DD by O of Dec. 16th. :P

Where did the time go?

Last year after I 'publicly' announced that I was pregnant I asked a friend if I could buy her Graco Safeseat from her when she was done with it. I was due in April and I figured May-ish she would be done with it and I'd switch my baby from the Peg to the Graco. She said sure and then I lost the baby, but later told her I still wanted to buy her carseat. Well two weeks ago at her oldest girl's birthday party I brought it home. It seems unreal that she's done with it already and that in an alternate universe I should have a baby to put in it.

I am still oddly excited to have the carseat though. I did get a bit nervous putting it into the backseat of our Ford Escape though. At first it did not look like it would fit, but the driver seat was adjusted for Owen's height and it "just" fit with no room to spare. If worse came to worse I would have just moved Natasha behind the driver and put her sibling behind the passenger seat since I'm shorter.

I brought it home, washed the fabric just because it made me feel productive (ha) and did a little searching on Etsy for some carseat strap covers. I think my friend had some but mis-placed them or switched them over to another seat? Anyway, as luck would have it I found some made of the exact same fabric as the carseat, how crazy is that? The only down side is that the lining is pink chinelle, which is noticeable through the white fabric, so if we have a boy, I plan to seam rip the pink out and replace it with a different colour.

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Today I am 10 weeks pregnant. :0) I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and while at the last one she said we'd probably hear the heartbeat, I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't expect to hear it until around 13w, so I'm not going to be disappointed if she can't find it. I have my own doppler, which I've stowed in the bathroom sink, buried under other things, to avoid temptation of trying to find a heartbeat this early on. Plus, from experience I know that while hearing the heartbeat can be re-assuring, it's not always that little 'miracle' of hope. I heard it that night 3hrs before my baby died, it re-assured me enough that I did not feel a trip to the ER was necessary, a mistake I won't make again.

I also want to ask Dr. E about a different perscription then the one she suggested (Permicium/Peridium(sp?) a synthetic progesterone) at my last appointment. I looked into it as did my sister and she said that she remembers taking it with both her pregnancies BUT her doctor gave her a natural one, non synthetic as he felt it worked better. Apparently they had to have it fedex'd in from a fertility clinic in Montreal (she lives in Fredericton) and was a bit pricey, but not too bad as her blue cross covered most of the cost. She said in the end it was around $100 for 16w worth. Since calgary has a fertility clinic with one of the highest success rates for IVF in the country I doubt I'd need to get it Fedex to me. :P

In other news the last month is just killing me. I'm so exhausted and crabby all.the.time. It's putting a strain on things with my daughter that I do not like. I snap easily and I can tell that is effecting her. I nap when she naps and do my best to not lose my patience, but my exhaustion and irritability are getting the best of me. :0( I remember feeling this way during my pregnancy with her, but not so much my pregnancy last year. I'm just hoping that like my first pregnancy, it will all go away at the 12-13w mark. I know I'm older (35 this yr!) but it can't really be that much harder on my body can it??? oiy.

And while I'm on this whole whoa is me train ride, let's talk about my stomach. It started to pop around 7w and then just suddenly stopped at 9w. What I have now is not the nice round hard belly I had with Tash or last fall, but a muffin top over my pants. It's all rolly poly floppy and in my stress, exhaustion, depression over the last couple of weeks it makes me sad. I do not look pregnant, I just look like I put on a few pounds. My sister informed me today when I complained about it in frustration that it's because my stomach muscles did not fully tighten after my pregnancy last fall (is this how Mrs. Dugen's stomach gets since she waits for such a short time between each of her pregnancies?) or get a chance to full recover so now I get this 'muffin' top.

Now normally something like this would not bother me in the least, however, the past week I've been stressed/anxious/sad so seeing my floppy belly has just added to it. I mentioned it to Owen last night and he rubbed it and said to give it time it would 'harden', and while I know it will, right now I just lack the patience.

Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick

It's a time bomb and it's detonation is anyone's guess. That's how I feel as my weeks in this pregnancy inch along. I feel excited that I'm gaining "ground" in weeks but dreading each week at the same time. Each one means the baby is growing and getting heavier, therefore adding to the weight on my cervix. I'm scared to death to hit the 16w mark and not a day goes by when I go to pee that I do not wipe and check for blood.

I ask myself and I ask Owen a lot why we made this decision to try again, when the chances of my body failing yet again are so high. I feel like I've put a death sentence on my baby. That TTC again and knowing my stupid cervix is weakened I've made a terrible choice for my future child. I've been asking myself today why I would put my baby through this? Why would I go in knowing I could have a premie baby that could cause future complications if s/he survives?

It's such a roller coaster. And my traitorous tummy that is already looking like I'm 18w pregnant. Instead of being happy today I've spent it asking myself how I am going to handle things if this baby does not make it. I feel so morbid when I can't think of the positive.

My nuchal ultrasound is on June 3rd, I'm scared to see the baby. I'm scared that there is going to be something wrong. I tell myself that is a trade off, baby will make it to almost term but something is going to be wrong with him.

I must stop torturing myself.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

Every.single.time I get pregnant I get really sick at some point in the first Trimester. It does not matter what I do, how careful I am or how I look after myself, I still get a nasty sinus infection. Now, as a general rule, I do not take medication to help get rid of headaches or when I'm sick - flu, common cold etc BUT when I get a sinus infection, it's the one time I do concede and take something.

bleh.

Maternity/Newborn Session

I just emailed Brandy to book a maternity/newborn session with her. I've been wanting to use her since last summer when I found her before I was even pregnant. It was a semi-tough email. Owen and I are being so secretive because if something happens I do not want to have to tell a ton of ppl again. So if things do not work out, I'll have to email Brandy and cancel. :0( I'm not going to think about that though, right now my first goal is to make it past 16w4d. That's my first goal and right now, I'm half way there.

Eight Weeks!

I'm half way to 16w. Half way to driving myself insane. I was thinking yesterday how calm I seem to be. I mean I still check for blood every time I wipe, but generally I'm ok. Then I started thinking "How far am I going to get this time?" What happens when I approach 15w? Will I start spotting again?

The 'game' plan with Dr. E. is that we are going to take things slowly and I'm going to take things easy. If I see ANY spotting I'm to head to the ER and get my cervix checked, she will also be checking it every few visits. But I can't help but to hold my breath and wonder, when? Was I crazy to even consider getting pregnant again? Am I crazy not to just have my cervix stitched now even though there is no scientific proof that those that did vs those that did not were able to stay pregnant longer??

I guess these things were easier to ignore, but now I'm feeling what feels like movements (yes super early but once a week I feel flutters that I don't credit to gas :P) and my belly is getting firmer and rounder, it's starting to get more real. At my next appointment Dr. E should be able to get the heartbeat on the doppler. And while that is great news, and should make me feel more secure, it does not. I heard my baby's heartbeat at 7pm that night and by 10pm my waters broke and by 11.30pm s/he was gone. :0(

I keep saying to Owen "If we can just make it to 30w+. We both know of the lower survival rates and complications that can happen with babies born between 22-30w and while we would fight for our baby's survival, the emotional toll and possible complications of baby I think would be so hard on all of us. We'd all get through it, but I'd much prefer baby to stay put and have a much higher chance then to come too early. Something tells me stricter bed rest is in my future.

So with that, we are not thinking about my due date, we are simply thinking week to week, and happy when we get another week of baby being save inside my womb.

Owen has been awesome, he gives me tons of belly rubs, talks to the baby and even kisses my tummy. :0) N is still not sure what is happening, but I think this time bc she's older, once my belly gets bigger she is going to ask more questions and realize she is getting a sibling, so if something happens this time, it's going to be hard to explain to her.

Very Hungry Caterpillar

For about a week now I've had a craving, for what I have no idea. What happens as a result is I just eat everything in sight, some good, some bad for me and then I sit on the sofa and feel miserable for hours afterward. I keep hoping I will find that magical substance that is going to just make my mouth water.

Today, I was starving by about 11.30, my shift at work ended at noon, so by the time I got home from work, I was super starving, which meant I walked in the door and just started grabbing for food. The end result is that several hours later I'm still in misery. ugh.

7w3d

I just took a look at my belly gallery with Tash and my first belly photo was not until 16w. This time though (#3 eek!) I have noticed a belly for a few weeks now, but this weekend it just seems like it popped! I'm starting to question how much longer I can hide it. I'm just not ready to share at this early one when Dr. E and I are still monitoring things and confirming a 'game' plan for things.

Perhaps this warm weather will hold out and I can switch to sun dresses?? :0)