That sweet face

The last couple of days have been a bit rough. N has been having tantrums for a while, but the last few days it seems every time we tell her she can not do something or take something from her she can't have, she cries and has a tantrum. It's really exhausting. We still do not give in, but it's so hard. No one said it would be easy though right?

Then we have days like today, where hours go by and all there is is laughter.

We walked to the pharmacy to mail a pkg, which was not open yet so did a detour to Tim Horton's and enjoyed sharing a cookie and hot chocolate together until 9am.

Where we watched some tv, played ball, tickled each other, giggled, made necklaces out of foamies, and all was right with the world.

I'm big girl!

I put Natasha down for a nap today, but she was not really into it. She spent from 1.15-3.30 babbling, giggling and what sounded like jumping on her bed. Since I had some prep to do for supper tonight and cupcake making, I decided to leave here there.

About a month ago we started shutting her door at night as 3m after being moved into her bed, she started getting out at anywhere between 2-5am and coming to our room. Well, today when I was about to go up and get her, I thought I heard her on the stairs, I look around the corner and there she is! And she proudly said to me;

"I'm big girl!"

hah. I thought it was unbelievably cute until I went up to her bedroom and found a book she'd turn the pages out of. :0( It's the first time she's ever done anything like that.

I think..

my thermometer is broken. I seem to have flatlined at 36.4.

I can officially say I am 100% frustrated. I feel bad for saying that. I feel guilty for feeling upset about not being pg again so soon. But then I think to myself that I have the right to feel how I want. I was pg. Everything was "perfect". I was due in the spring, no winter blues or being trapped in the house after I delivered bc of weather. Then I lost our baby. It's been 4m now and I still can't stop thinking about it.

And honestly it feels like I've been TTC/waiting for a year to have a baby. We started talking about TTC again in Jan. 08. We decided to wait a few months so that N would be over 2 yrs old and perhaps more independent. Actually Owen wanted to wait, he thought having 2 under 2 would be trying at times, so we agreed a 2.5-3 yr spread between them would be nice. So we wait until July, we get pg and I think how nice it will be to have a spring babe, how the weather won't keep me stuck in the house when I need to get out for a walk etc. Then 4m in when I'm starting to get my baby belly I lose her.

I was pg, I delivered our baby. My body went through every single thing that it would with delivering a baby at 40w and I think that is what made it hurt even more. Having my milk come in, but no babe to give it to....

It is really hurting right now that come April I'm not going to have our baby. And while I may sound mean, it's just killing me right now that pretty much every person it my life is pregnant and due around my EDD. It hurts so much I can't even describe it. The waiting hurts, TTC hurts, fears of being pregnant and losing the babe again hurt.

I can't win.

Vintage Fisher Price

In the past week N has 'discovered' the Fisher Price Castle. My sisters and I spent many hours playing with it when we were kids so it was awesome to see N having so much fun with it as well. We spent nearly 2hrs on Sat. morning playing with it.

WTF?!?

So CD24, no sign of Ovulation. :0( Last cycle was 38CD and while it was longer, I still Ovulated at around CD22. No O cramping, no signs of fertile CM, nada. My breasts feel a bit swollen, but that's it. So frustrated. I know it's only month 2 of TTC, and others take months and months to conceive but after my loss (which I can't stop thinking about) I just would have liked to have conceived again right away.

Weee...

I got a coverline today. Not that it shocks me, I figured 36.4-.5 was my coverline but it's nice to see ovusoft agrees with me. :P Lot of sex this past week, I'm hoping my body is back to 'normal' and I ovulate today, although I"m not having any of the tell tale signs - cramping. I think my boobs are swollen though, the bra has been a bit tight fighting the last couple of days. I really hope the sperm and egg connect because if it doesn't happen this month I think I am genuinely going to give it a break. I don't care how I sound, I just really do not want a December baby.

I'm still mourning the loss of my spring baby and while Natasha is getting older, the age gap between sibling just really does not seem like a big deal to me anymore. I think I need more time to heal. Plus I'm starting to feel conflicted about having a 2nd.

More photos

Kiddo was feeling in the mood to humour mommy and she let me take some photos of her in a dress I bought her today.

More photos

Kiddo was feeling in the mood to humour mommy and she let me take some photos of her in a dress I bought her today.

Look....

a cat!
the moon!
a ball!
a book!

My little girl has went from saying random words here and there to now saying sentences with more regularity. It's super sweet! We were leaving the Oval on Saturday after skating and she stopped and looked up and said Look the Moon!! We stood there for a good 5 mins before she'd start walking towards the parking lot again.

It so much fun watching her grow and improve her vocabulary.